Perspective: Lack of progress...

I'm a slow runner, but since I started coming out of a severe 6-7 month depression at the beginning of the year I've become slower than I have ever been. I'm talking 3:15 - 3:30 finish for a half marathon. I used to finish in the 2:35-2:50 range and I really can't put my finger on why I'm so slow. I know my endurance has gone to pot and I put on at least 10 pounds during the depression (that I am working on losing, plus an additional 15 pound). I'm running, swimming...finally fixed my bike tire so hopefully will start riding that again and yet I see no progression in my running.

I think part of it is that I started running again too early with no training doing a double in August. My times sucked then but I just attributed that to still having to deal with the depression. I raced a few more times until the end of the year with no training whatsoever just because I needed to get away and be by myself. I think I actually started training again in February or March...whenever the weather changed and got warmer.

I feel like a total newbie when it comes to running again. I'm just working on endurance like I did when I first started training for my first half marathon. Once I get that down I'll start some speed work, but right now I'm concentrating on marathon training (just to cross the finish line within time) due to the sheer stupidity of registering for 6 full marathons with two sets of back to backs.

Not seeing any progress is quite disheartening but as some friends pointed out I am out there running still, finishing is the goal and I am quite lucky to still be around after last year. It's easy to hear/read but believing is a totally different thing. All I know is that I'm not giving up, if I have to resort to walking these races I will. All I want is to cross the finish and get my medal...yes, it is about the bling collecting. So, I'm taking a deep breath and trying to put this situation into perspective (hard to do if you're a born pessimist). I saw this quote today and it says it all:

Running: Love or Mental Illness Recovery?

Today I'm going to talk a little about two things that hugely impact my life other than family. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder II back in 1997 I did all the reading that I could to learn about the disorder. Part of what I had learned was that exercise helps to lessen the effects of particularly the depression but could also help control the hypomania. Unfortunately, I was working full-time as a new RN, attending a bachelors degree in nursing completion program, went straight into graduate school full time for my masters degree, raising two kids who were 12 and 11 (older than I remembered them being now that I think about it), playing the taxi driving mom, attending all the school functions for the kids while the husband was spending a lot of time deployed to the desert.

There were times in the past 15+ years that I tried and even at times accomplished exercise goals mainly to lose weight that I had gained over the years of different psychotropic medications, many of which have weight gain as an adverse effect. For instance, the first time that I was on lithium I literally gained 40+ pounds in 2 months! Try to get that weight off when the medications makes it near impossible!

My biggest successes came in 2003 when I did the original PX90 program at home. I managed to lose about 20-30 pounds from the 160+ pounds that I was carrying. On a 5'3.5" frame that doesn't look too good., in fact the husband used to say I looked like the little round spaceman character on one of the old Saturday morning cartoons in that I was round with stubby little legs and arms sticking out. He wasn't trying to be mean, it was in fun but he was stating the truth. I had never been that heavy in my life. Even at 9 months pregnant I topped of at only 134 pounds!

From 1988 I was in nursing school for almost 10 years straight working on an associate in vocational nursing, then completing my second associate degree in registered nursing, directly into a Bachelor of Nursing completion program and finally a masters degree program. You can just imagine the weight I gained during that time studying all the time, not getting enough/any exercise...I finally reached a max weight of 172 pounds! Now, let me tell you, I was not a happy camper with the weight gain, but I also had no energy to do something about except for the off and exercise I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Actually, back in December 1991 through December 1992 I did spend the whole year in the gym working out a couple of hours a day in addition to working 12 hour shifts 5-6 days a week, raising the kids alone because the hubs was in Korea for a remote year long assignment and going to school full time. Studying and whatnot was done either at work or while the kids were at school after I got home from the gym. Needless to say, that was probably almost a year of hypomania and sleeping 2-3 hours during the day that got me through...I really don't know how I did it. I only remember a couple of minor depressions during that time but nothing major.

Anyway after years of no exercise, in 2011 I got tired of being sick, depressed and worn out. I knew my weight had a lot to do with it...not in the sense of a bad self-image, but just the stress of it all. I was just starting to come down from nearly 2 years straight of a major depression. The only stability I had between 2009 and 2011 was a period between August and December 2010 when another really nice hyomania occurred. I was so productive then! I felt like the old me...then I crashed again the following early spring. I eventually was let go of my teaching contract at the local university and applied for 100% VA disability benefits since my diagnosis was my 70% disability for the past 10 years or so since it originated/was misdiagnosed when I left the USAF in 1986.

That summer, in a fit of a mild hypomania, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired from the extra weight and the recent depression which I still was not totally over. In an effort to incorporate exercise into my mental health regimen and lose some weight, I joined the local Y. I started in some group exercise classes like boot camps, core classes, Hip Hop Hustle, Zumba and others. Zumba was my favorite and within 6 months I was a licensed instructor although I never actually taught. I lost about 20 pounds doing Zumba bringing me down into the 150-140 pound range, but I had a lot more to go with a goal weight of 125 pounds.

I also took up walking and eventually started doing run/walk intervals after joining the Leukemia & Lymphoma's Team in Training to run what what supposed to be a "bucket list" half marathon, the Inaugural TinkerBell Half Marathon (13.1 miles)  at Disneyland. Then it happened. I started having excruciating pain in my hips, primarily the left side which at time impeded my walking. I got that checked out and was told that I have a pelvic bone that has too much rotation and that it wouldn't fuse together until in my 50-60's. All the pivoting in Zumba had contributed to the issue causing my pelvis to lock down in un-natural positions. I spent nearly 10 weeks in physical therapy had to stop training for my race and cross training instead. I had fallen in love with ruuning...something strange considering that I avoided running at all costs for most of my life. Finally 2 weeks prior to my race I was released from PT and allowed to start training again. Thankfully the cross training kept my cardio up but I had to start almost from scratch to build up my mileage again...in two weeks. It wasn't easy but I finished my first half marathon in less than 3 hours which was my goal time.

Since then, I've sadly given up Zumba because my hips just can't handle all the pivoting and such. I've completed 23 official half marathons, 1 full marathon and several 5K or 10K fun runs/races. I can't imagine my life without running now. Even when I'm not training like I should be. I had another suicidal depressive episode from March 2012 through January 2013. After months of inactivity from the depression I began racing slowly (I'm not fast at all) and went to run a double (a half marathon on Saturday and Sunday of one weekend) in Nevada and Utah just because I needed a change even though I hadn't trained at all and the depression was causing some issues between the husband and I. I just needed some me time and that meant running. Those races were terrible but I was finally out and about some other runners and even saw a few running friends at the race in Nevada. Because I had performed so poorly, I took off the next month and a half and as the depression continued to resolve I ran another race in Kansas. Again it wasn't pretty but I finished. I've never failed to finish a race...ever...although I have DNS'd -Did Not Start- 8 or 9 races last year due to the severity of the depression.

  

This year, actually from mid-December 2012 until now I've been blessed with relative stability. I have felt better about my races although my times are still 20 minutes-1houf and 10 minutes off my previous half marathons. I just need to get out there and train (easier said than done most days). I even completed my first hiking marathon (26.2 miles) just a couple of weeks ago.

While running is not a "cure" for my bipolar disorder it definitely helps with the endorphins (the feel good chemical, a natural opioid formed by the body) to help lift/stabilize the moods. I still try to remember to take my medications which I'm not always successful at but if I find myself sitting on my rear for long periods of time...like this past winter I notice that my moods are much more inconsistent. Running and exercise definitely helps with mental illness; studies have proven that exercise in general can help those with mental illness feel better and recover faster from exacerbations. However, these actions in and of themselves cannot be considered a "cure."

For me, it's not only the mental health benefits of running/exercise but it's also a love of the sport and most of the people that I come across during my running adventures. This year I have 11 half marathons, 6 full marathons, at least 4 obstacle course races (Spartan Race, Tough Mudder as well as some smaller ones) and several small 5K and 10K races. Truthfully there's no telling where I'd be without my running. Possibly hospitalized again after another suicide attempt, dead or just turning into a female version of Jabba the Hutt just doing nothing.

So, yes I see running in both ways: a sport and as a form of mental health recovery.

If you have a mental health diagnosis what do you do to get those endorphins going? If you're simply a runner, why do you run?

Mood Confusion

I'm not sure what's going on mood-wise for me right now. Typically with my bipolar disorder, I'd be heading into a pretty dark place this time of year, but I'm feeling pretty good right now. Maybe a little too good. It's odd for me to have a hypomanic phase without a preceding depressive phase, but I'm noticing less sleep (typically 3 hours or less for most nights of the last 2+ weeks), a little more of the obsessive thinking happening and just a bit more energy than usual. Oh, and my typical lack of medication regimen adherence that's pretty common when I do start feeling a bit hypomanic.

Right now because I am feeling this way I"m going to start up my meds again tomorrow (someone please hold me to it) slowly tapering up the meds that I know I can't just jump back on at full dose. Hopefully I'll have my blood levels back where they need to be within 2 weeks. I'm telling you...a little too much knowledge can be dangerous (in reference to my psych nursing background). I'm also going to start myself on a 2 week course of Xanax at bedtime to try to get back into a regular sleep cycle. This sleeping for 2-3 hours, then napping 2-3 hours during the day isn't cutting it. I really need to get back on a day/night sleeping schedule.

I just hope that I'm not setting myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy in that because I'm "missing" my depressive state that I trigger in some way that depression to come on sooner than later. Oh geez, did that make sense? It's late, I'm tired and I just took 1.5mg of Xanax to go to sleep to. Ugh.  Anyway, this is just not what I expected to be happening around this time...typically late Feb to mid-March I'll at least have a mild depression, but none so far. Again...I hope I'm not jinxing myself.

I dunno. Just a bit confused. Gonna give the meds about 20 minutes to kick in then it's bedtime and hopefully I won't wake up until close to 11am or noon. So, wish me luck in getting back into the medication and "normal" (whatever you feel is normal...I don't know what that is anymore) or at the least a "stable" frame of mind. G'nite!

The Elusiveness of Self-Esteem

Self -esteem or self-worth by whichever moniker you prefer is defined by the Online Merriam Webster Dictionary as:

 "A confidence and satisfaction in oneself." 

In the user defined Wikipedia, self-esteem is described as:

"Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgement of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self."

Now, I think most people have a fairly decent self-regard but for some of us, for whatever reason, we don't have that positive self-image although some and even many around us may see us as being some kind of outstanding person in whatever aspect of or even our whole lives. Today a friend posted this status on one of the social networks:

"I need to see myself the way other people see me."  

I saw that and the first thing I thought was that I could just relate so much to that statement. The young lady who posted that statement has gone through a remarkable journey and I would love to know that she feels really good about what she has accomplished so far and what she will continue to accomplish in the future, but like I said...I can totally relate to how she is likely feeling.

Prior to my bipolar diagnosis, you could say that I have a very strong sense of self-worth/self-esteem. In my late teens and early 20's I felt, for the most, part that I could tackle the world and get out of it what I wanted. Then my symptomology for the bipolar started started to creep into the fold. My ability to handle stressful situations declined dramatically, I began questioning myself in many different aspects of my life. My diagnosis came at a huge juncture in my life. I was just getting ready to finish my master's degree in nursing when an overwhelming depression, suicidality and a lack of interest in life hit me. I struggled through and managed to finish my degree but had to drop my optional thesis which I had done a lot of work on already and because of the new diagnosis and of losing trust in my own decision making I never applied for my family nurse practitioner license although I had passed the national certification testing. I think it was at this point that my once strong self-esteem/worth went to pot. This was the first time that I had felt like a true and complete failure.

Since that time I have found it difficult to be proud of whatever accomplishment that others say I have done. I never feel that I have done enough to earn any recognition and truthfully, recognition stresses me out so badly that I usually end up in a deep, if not suicidal, depression. Case in point, I was working in the clinic of the local base and my supervisor put me in for civilian of the quarter which I won, then won the squadron civilian of the year, followed by base civilian of the year and then went to 8th Air Force competition. At the beginning of this process I had literally begged my supervisor not to put my name in the hat, but he did anyway. All I could do is smile through all the "'Atta girls" and pats on the back while all I could think was that I didn't deserve any of it and that they were making a huge mistake. This triggered a massive, suicidal depression and within months I had resigned from that position and thought about leaving nursing for good.

You would think that someone who got these commendations would be proud, but instead it just caused me such anxiety because I didn't believe all the good things that they said about me were true. To this day I don't want to be commended for anything I do. Just let me do what I'm expected to do and leave it there. Bringing attention to me just makes for bigger problems for me.

My self-worth/self-loathing (okay, maybe loathing is a strong word, but it's the only one I can think of right now) took an especially big hit in 2009 when I again hit a massive, suicidal depression after beginning work on a PhD in nursing as well as being just two semesters shy of graduating with a second master's degree in nursing...this time as a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I had started my PhD that summer in the midst of a grand hypomanic phase when I was barely sleeping and had loads of energy to spare, but by the end of summer that depression hit and I could barely function on a day to day basis let alone as a student in two concurrent programs. That was the point that I gave up my academic dreams and my self-esteem dropped to all time lows. Again all I saw myself as was a complete failure.

Now I try to avoid anything that will draw massive attention to me. Sure I'll jump in to organize things, but I'm happiest lurking in the background where no one will hopefully notice me. If nobody notices me then I don't have to worry about meeting other people's expectations...let alone my own. I've really learned to hide my lack of self-esteem/worth. What can I say...like many people with mood disorders...I've learned to wear a mask a lot of the time so people don't really see how much I'm hurting.

I'm hopeful that one day I'll be able to see in me what others seem to see in me. But until that time, I just continue to struggle with my idea of my lack of worth and will hopefully see the light at the end of the tunnel one day and come to see myself in a more positive vein.

Hopefully this works!

• How's your self-esteem/self-worth?
• What do you do to boost you self-esteem/self-worth that helps you?

My Stand Against the Stigma of Mental Illness

A few weeks ago, I had officially added the Stand Up for Mental Health Campaign's header to my Twitter account and a link on my blog. I had already had the header up on Twitter for a couple of weeks prior to notifying HealthyPlace, the originator of the campaign, that I had done so. In that notification to HealthyPlace I included a brief outline of why I had added the header and of my background. I was asked if I would share my story either in a blog post that they could link to or in a story that theycould host on their page. I chose the former after reading this article about self-stigmatization which is something I haven't really done too much of...at least I think. I put myself out there for varying reasons...I've posted about my struggles in old blogs that I used to have or just venting on Facebook or Twitter, but it's just my nature and part of the career path that I chose...

I was diagnosed in 1997, about 2 months before I was supposed to graduate from my Masters degree program in nursing with a specialization as a Family Nurse Practitioner. Like many of us with bipolar disorder I had been an outstanding student throughout my whole life. Then all of a sudden, in late September I became increasingly depressed. Near suicidal at that point. I was doing preceptored clinicals, working on a thesis, working full time at an outpatient clinic and being a military wife/mom to two elementary aged kids. Luckily I had already been in treatment for unipolar depression for a year or two and was
seeing a therapist who also noted my mood swings and recommended an evaluation for bipolar.

Within a couple of weeks the official diagnosis of Bipolar 2 came in. My first action was to
read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. In this book, I found so much of me with a
lesser degree of symptoms as compared to Dr. Jamison. A lightbulb went off in my head and
that great "A-ha!" moment happened. Over the following years I would be able to retrace
my symptoms to my mid-teen years and so many questions about my previous behavior were
clarified. It was a year of finding out who I really was and the positive and negative
implications that my disorder had provided me with in my life.

I did manage to graduate with my master's degree that December with a lot of work and tears
and the dropping of my thesis course...thankfully it was optional. I went on to work as an
RN, never getting my license for my FNP because of the newness of the diagnosis and my own
fear of making wrong decisions if I was in a bad way. However, I did excel as an RN in different positions
but there always seemed to be a time that the stress just got to be too much and I ended up
resigning and taking several months off and even considering leaving nursing all together.

In 2004, after a 4 month or so hiatus from nursing, I began subbing at a clinical site for
the local nursing program. Teaching was something that I had wanted to do since I was in
licensed vocational nursing school so many years ago. I had found my niche. I came onto
the faculty full time the following Fall and the following year I volunteered to take over
the Psych/Mental Health component of the program for the upperclass students when the
previous instructor left.

This specific content was truly my niche. Teaching psych. I loved it. My interest in psych/mental health
had exploded with my diagnosis...my focus was primarily on bipolar and other mood disorders,
but I loved it all...the whole confusing lot of the DSM-IV-TR. While my goal was to teach
the students about the different diagnosis involved in mental health and their treatments
my personal goal was to help them learn to get over the stigma that the media and past
generations had built up about mental illness. I didn't want my students to be me when I was on my
psych/mental health clinical rotation in RN school...fearful and trying to avoid interacting whenever
possible.  I remember...my first question to the third semester classes was always, "Look around you...can you tell who might have a mental  illness?" Inevitably, they would all look around and appear a little blank as if to ask, "Why is she asking us this?" My next response would be to raise my hand and say, "I do!"

You see, I've never been shy about sharing my diagnosis. I've told employers almost from
the start even though I'm not required to by law. I've told co-workers not only for my own
good and patient safety but also so that they can be attuned to what's happening with me and call me out when things get a little stange (and they often did). Maybe it's only because I was in nursing but I'd
like to think that I'd be that open if I were working in a different field as well.

For me, personally, I felt that having the students know that I was battling what could be
a serious mental illness (I've attempted suicide at least 12 times in the past), that they
could see that it doesn't mean a mentally ill person could not be successful. I wanted them to
learn that they didn't need to fear mental illness. Granted, we're not all fully functional
but just the realization that a mentally ill person could look like me and be teaching a
class of 30-35 students about such a weighty subject could be an eye opener for some.

The students learned observations skills, communication skills and hopefully empathy from
not only classroom exercises and study, but also from observing me through  my good days
and my bad days. They learned to recognize when I had gone off my meds or when I was
becoming depressed or a little hypomanic. They were learning about mental illness in a
non-threatening way...OK, if you can just imagine nursing school being non-threatening.
But they were also learning to accept that I was a human being with a mental illness, no
different than any other human with a physical disorder. I just happen to have  an illness
that originates in my brain versus having diabetes which begins in the pancreas. They,
hopefully learned to understand that a mentally ill person is a human being...period...not
a monster or crazed individual to fear. Having this experience with me, I hope, prepared
them for our one week clinical at the state mental hospital where they had to
encounter more acute states of illness with a more open mind rather than fear; as well as for future encounters that they may have with the mentally ill.

Teaching gave me that opportunity to share not only my illness but to help, hopefully, break
the stigma of mental illness among the majority of my students. Granted, not everyone will
have made the connection, but I feel safe in saying that the vast majority did have their
eyes opened to the reality of mental illness while working with me. By the time I chose to finally
leave teaching in 2011 I was working on a second master's degree in Psych/Mental Health Nursing
and was within two semesters of graduating as a PMH NP as well as concurrently working
on a PhD in Nursing. Even though I have had to voluntarily remove myself from nursing due to a severe exacerbation of my symptoms between  2009 and 2011 I continue to do a guest lecture at the same nursing school each semester to try to help demystify mental illness and the stigma attached. That is the least I can do for now. At some point I'd love to start a support group through DBSA or NAMI but until I feel that I can be stable for a long period, or find a backup co-ordinator, that dream will have to stay
on the back burner for now. But no matter what, I'll continue to do what I can to help
break the stigma of mental illness and will hopefully one day be satisfied that I have done
everything I could to do so.

2012 Goals...met, sorta

I was just looking over the goals I had set for 2012 and figured I'd just do a quick assessment of how I did. You can see what my goals were over at this page.

Running Goals
Well, it's pretty easy to see that this (and really all my goals) were changing over the year. I did the majority of the races listed on the page but in reality I managed to finish 20 official half marathons (13.1 miles) and 3 unofficial virtual half marathons.

Completed Half Marathons (Official):

TinkerBell HM - Disneyland Resort, Anaheim, CA
Pecos Valley Stampede HM - Roswell, NM
Xpress HM - Wichita Falls, TX
Arizona Distance Classic HM - Oro Grande Valley, AZ
Bloodgusher HM - Midland, TX
Arbuckle to Ardmore HM - Ardmore, OK
Wayland Wellness HM - Wichita Falls, TX
Southern Indiana Classic HM - Evansville, IN
GO! St. Louis HM - St. Louis, MO
New Mexico Centennial/TX-NM Club Challenge HM - Hobbs/Lovington, NM
Oklahoma City Memorial HM - Oklahoma City, OK
Wisconsin HM - Kenosha, WI
1st Midwest Bank Southwest HM - Palos Heights, IL
Hope & Healing Place HM - Amarillo, TX
Kirtland AFB Armed Forces Day HM - Kirtland AFB, Albuquerque, NM
Wounded Warriors HM - Irving, TX
Legacy Midnight Run HM - Farmington, UT
ET Full Moon Midnight HM - Las Vegas/Rachel, NV
Prairie Fire HM - Wichita, KS
Wine & Dine HM - Walt Disney World, Lake Buena Vista, FL

Completed Half Marathons (Unofficial):

New Year's Day Virtual Race Against Cancer HM (Leukemia & Lymphoma Society - Team in Training Fundraiser)
For the Love of the Kids Virtual HM
Bling Ho's 1st SemiAnnual Charity Race Virtual HM (Relay for Life Fundraiser)

I did manage to join the Half Fanatics in March and have maxed out at 7 moons (Venus) out of 10. I was shooting for Sun (10 moons - 30 HMs in 30 different states in 365 days) but because of the severe depression from May through really now still...that goal has gone out the window. I'm fine with it though...going from a non-runner to a multiple race half marathoner crazy enough at one point to run 3 doubles (one race on subsequent Saturdays and Sundays) in one month is not a bad thing! :D

I postponed my foray into the full marathon spectrum (26.2 miles) until 2013 which ended up being a good thing since I did emotionally crash this year. I actually got to the point early in the year where 8-10 mile runs were the norm and something I looked forward to, but since I'm still recovering from the depressed mood I'm going to have to start from near scratch to get back up there. My times got worse over the year but had gotten down at one point to a fairly steady 11 minute mile so there's still room for improvement.

2012 Weight Loss Goals

Well, this was kind of a bust. I started out well and managed to get down to about 138 pounds but once the depression hit the weight came back. Right now I'm sitting at about 152 pounds so I'm going to have to get on the ball in 2013 to get where I want to be.

2013 Fitness Goals

Again, I started off well but with the exacerbation of the bipolar so went the exercise routine. I've been dealing with injuries of the lower extremities for the last 3-4 months and just overall fatigue (no surprise with the depression). So this too will need to be worked on in 2013. I never did do the duathlon or century ride primarily due to the fact that I didn't have the right type of equipment (cheap mountain bike vs at least and entry level road bike) or the right training. I'll work on kicking out at least one sprint duathlon in 2013 for sure though!

My main focus will be working on core strength, hip area strength to help with the pelvic malrotation issues/balance and ankle strength. My plan is to run, walk, cycle, elliptical (which I hate!) and swim although the whole swim thing is a bit hairy since although I know the mechanics of swimming I have a huge fear  of deep water, anything more than 5 feet, due to a near drowning as a five year old. So, swimming lessons or at least tutelage will be in order this year.

So, while I guess I did well on some aspects I didn't do so well on others. I'll be working on these some more in 2013 and hopefully it won't be as rough a year as this year has been. So, for me, it onward and upward...trying to be more optimistic and looking forward to becoming the really active individual I was prior to the mental crash. My 2013 goals will follow in another post shortly...

Reflecting back on 2012... (Part 1)

I'm sitting here looking back on a year that started out with so much optimism only to come crashing down mid-year with a severe depression and subsequent effects on what had been a promising year of running and health. So, let's take a month by month look at this bumpy year that I hope to leave in the rear view mirror in hopes of a much improved 2013.

January 2012
After a slightly rough start with being injured and in physical therapy since Oct 2011 and having to limit my newly found love of running things began looking up when I was released from PT and restarted training for my very first half marathon, the inaugural TinkerBell HM at Disneyland. I met my fundraising goal for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training and would be heading back out west to see if I could meet the challenge. I did and I made some good running friends while at it. Probably the most close relationship I've developed from this race are my friends Melanie & Dianne. It was Melanie's and my first half marathon ever. We were previous non-lovers of running and both RNs in the psych/mental health nursing world. We started the race as virtual strangers other than meeting once and communicating via Facebook but finished together as friends. We shared many similarities in our lives and I've come to think of her as a very good friend. I can't wait to see her again at TinkerBell in 2013 (we're rooming together). :D

Love ya, Melanie!! :D

Dianne had already been running for a while and while we didn't communicate much face to face at the race other than at our Facebook group meetup where she brought some Ghiradelli chocolates for everyone and a brief chat after the race we have been very communicative online. I think the connection has to do with the fact that we're both California girls and Asian...we understand things that others sometimes don't! LOL! I'll be seeing Dianne again at Tink 2013 and then we're rooming together at the Princess Half Marathon at Walt Disney World in February where she will attain Legacy runner status (running every year of the first 5 years of the race). I don't have any pics of Dianne aside from our group's meetup pic below. :(

TinkerBell HM Facebook Group - Inaugural Meetup
That's Dianne sitting down near the middle in the white long sleeve shirt.

February 2012

Nothing major really happened in February that I can recall other than running my second half marathon for which I only had to travel an hour and a half. I ran this one with a newly formed running group here in town, the Clovis Area Run/Walk Club, which was started on 1/3/12. Of course I was the slowest one to complete the half marathon in the group but I made a very good local friend, Teresa, who had been running for about 4 years after beating cancer. We communicate regularly on Facebook now, see each other occassionally in town and I introduced her to the Bountiful Baskets food co-op program here in town because I know whe is a very healthy eater (something I am still working on). I consider her my local running partner in crime...I don't think she knows that yet. We got together and participated in a couple more races in 2012 (Wayland Wellness Run Half Marathon and the New Mexico Centennial-TX/NM Team Challenge (she did the full and still finished before I finished the half!). We'll be participating in the Bataan Memorial Death March and hopefully The Color Run 5K together (but apart...she's way faster than me) in 2013.

Big ((hugs))  to you Teresa!

March 2012

The biggest thing that happened in March was finishing my third half marathon with what is still my personal record to date (PR) of 2:37:xx. This enabled me to join the Half Fanatics as member #1982...the same year as my high school graduation (not by accident). This led to the start of a quest to finish 30 half marathons in 30 different states in 365 days. I was well on my way but by May things would be different and I won't be reaching my goal. But for a previous non-runner to join a group of exceptional people who run for different reasons and at varying speeds is something I never in my life would have thought would have happened. 

April 2012

This was the month that I started noticing the depression coming on. It's not like it was unexpected because I typically do go into a depressive state during the spring, but it was just my hope that I could skip a year without one...it was just not to be. I kept racing finishing the OKC Memorial Half Marathon and meeting running legend Bill Rodgers. The month was not extremely bad, but the downhill slide was gaining momentum.

Me with Bill Rodgers, Olympian, marathoner, author.

Probably the most meaningful medal so far.

May 2012

This was the month that the sh!t hit the fan. I've always been pretty good at hiding just how bad I was feeling when depressed but I had always managed to maintain a relatively active online presence. Not this time. I basically went offline for the first time since the late 90's. I disappeared from all my social networks, I rarely left the house other than to run and I spent many a day not getting dressed, showered or eating. Not a happy time. I did manage to finish 4 half marathons and registered for an all women's trail running clinic.

I traveled all the way to Illinois and Wisconsin to race. I met up with another good running friend and TNT alum, Kat, who is originally from Wisconsin and the chance to see her again and knock out another state was my momentum to run in the Wisconsin Half Marathon. Not only did I meet up with her again, but I also met Dave Mari...running celeb extraodaire who gets to so many races and takes so many pictures that it's totally crazy. You can always identify him because he always has the Paul Frank monkey on his shirt! I also spent a couple of nights with my cousin, Maria, who lives in Illinois and I hadn't seen since they moved to Japan after being stationed in New Mexico (where we met for the first time, while stationed at the same base). I have no idea of how we managed not to get any pictures while I was there!?!

Kat with the Captain!

Dave and I.

Unfortunately, this trip also resulted in the ending of the relationship with my daughter who also suffers from bipolar disorder. We have cut off communication with each other under mutual agreement. The last bridge has been burned and I'm done.

Probably the big personal thing that happened was that I reached my fundraising goal for Relay for Life and shaved my head...again! I had done it in 2006 where it was a big deal because my nursing students who helped me with fundraising got to shave my hair off. This year it was much more low key because I was sick (mentally and physically) and I didn't have hoards of people actually wanting to shave my head. It because a non-big deal as I showed up at the team's camp and they proceeded to shave everything off.

June 2012

By June I was pretty much deep into this depressive episode with the high points only being concerned with running. This was also the month that my thinking got too stupid and had some really bad repercussions. I was at my lowest at this point, skipping my 30 year high school class reunion which I had been looking forward to for over a year. Friends who I had not seen since high school were going to be there and instead I spent the week in bed with such a low self-worth that I couldn't be scraped off the floor with a sharp edged, metal scraper. At the beginning of the month before a major emotional crash I managed to complete the Wounded Warrior Half Marathon in Irving, TX with my cousin Ausa who I had not seen for years during which she completed her very first 10K. I also attended the trail running clinic with Teresa at which I discovered something I already knew...I was not born to be a trail runner!

My cousin Ausa after finishing her very first 10K race.

To be continued...

Recap: Legacy Midnight Half Marathon - Farmington, UT

OK, so this report is way overdue. Immediately after the two races this particular weekend (which I found out too late was too soon after the onset of my last severe depressive episode that I was starting to come out of) I fell into another deep depression upon my return home Monday evening. I ended up sleeping almost literally (being awake maybe 3-4 hours a day and doing absolutely nothing) for the following 3-4 weeks before going into an upwardly manic phase in addition to PMS and the most hellish week of constant hot flashes for about a week. Coming down has been a relatively moderate depression but I am more functional and can actually complete single tasks at a time. While this in an improvement it's un-nerving that I no longer have the ability to multi-task. Whatever, just rambling...here's the recap.

Race Day: Friday, August 3, 2012 @ 8:30pm

Legacy Midnight Half Marathon - Farmington, UT
Race day minus one 
I had an 11 hour or so drive to Hill AFB, UT where I would be staying for 2 nights for this race. I had left home on bad terms essentially giving the husband the option to try to move out of his funk and do something around the house while I was gone, especially since he wasn't in school. I expected nothing hard just washing dishes, helping me take care of the dogs, occasionally working in the yard and doing something to the living room wall that has been in remodel mode now for 4 years (we have not had a functioning living room in that time, good thing we don't do any entertaining). The ultimatum of if nothing happens either he or I would be leaving the house permanently. So needless to say I was already not in a good frame of mind.

I enjoy driving so the drive through northern NM, the lower south corner of CO and the push through to Hill AFB (Provo), UT was calming and I loved going back through/past Moab, Zion and Arches National Parks. I arrived late at night at the base, checked in and almost immediately went to bed.

Race Day 
Since this was a night race starting at around 8:30pm I basically just stayed in my room trying to get extra sleep. Absolutely got no sightseeing in in Salt Lake City as it was my second time there and the first time was only a 3 hour stop over with my infant daughter in a stroller on the way back home from my MILs house in ID back in the late 80's. Got up in time for a late lunch and then headed out to pick up my packet at the starting line. Since I had another hour before the race, I went back to the base and just chilled in the room for about 45 minutes before heading back to the start.

I picked up some of the free glow necklaces, bracelets and rings. In addition I was wearing a microfiber, multicolor lighted mohawk headband and had criss-crossed my torso with mini LED battery operated Christmas light (whose tiny wires couldn't take the bouncing and broke leaving me without my Christmas lights). We were bused the 13.1 miles out to the start and after getting bitten by several mosquitoes I finally found some bug spray and was good for the night. As the race started we ran on a path along a canal then eventually got on the path that follows parallel to I-70 north. I was doing well, even for not training and essentially having only run a couple of times in 8 weeks, and was even heading for a personal PR improving by about 3-5 minutes. Then it happened, the cramping started in my right calf at around mile 10. Prior to this point I had been following a run/walk/run method with the running increasing from 3-5 minutes by the time I started cramping. I continued to stretch and then run until the cramping started again. By mile 11 or 11.5 I was cramping so bad that I gave in and walked/stretched the remaining miles. When I got close to the finish line my calf went into a severe cramp which resulted in me almost in tears trying to get over the line so I could get some assistance. As I crossed, two young men came to my aid and each took a side of me as I collapsed and assisted me to the ground away from the finish line and literally right on the back of the inflatable arch. After about 10 minutes I had managed to stretch most of the cramp out and hobbled over to pick up my finishing medallion (kind of cheesy light-up, plastic flashing medallion). I made my way back to the base, stopped at the shoppette to pick up 40 pounds of ice and took a 25 minute ice bath before heading to bed.

Race Day + 1 
I made it out of lodging by 8:30am after having locked myself out while packing up the car for about an hour. As I was a mile and a half away from the lodging office I tried to find a housekeeper or supervisor to let me into my room. Unfortunately, all were in a meeting and I would just have to wait for them to report to this buildings office. I finally got on the road to Las Vegas for that night's race (ET Full Moon Midnight Half Marathon) for my 8 hour drive on about 3 hours sleep.

Final/Official Time: 2:57:20.4

Things I liked about this race:
The course was nice and primarily flat, well cared for. I would consider it an an easy course nice for beginners.

Things I didn't like about this race:
Finishers plastic flashing medallion, the fact that the race started next to a canal and mosquitoes were abundant.

Would I do this race again?
Only if they got better medals. I don't mean that it's not a good race, but I want real bling.

                                    

What Goes Up Must Come Down...

You know, it really sucks at times to have a mental illness. I'm going to start off right now by saying that if you are sensitive to hearing other people's stories/issues, have a negative connotation of mental illness or are afraid of it you probably shouldn't read on. I'll try to keep the language at least PG, but I'm in a bit of a mood right now so no guarantees. And off I go...

If you follow me on Facebook, you know I've been sick for most of the last month. That was mostly a physical sickness...fever, cough, gastrointestinal issues, etc., but in the last two weeks my physical illness has been joined by an acute exacerbation of my bipolar disorder. After the initial week or two of what was a simple but horrible cold I could tell that my moods were starting to shift towards the depressive state. It's not that I was anywhere near a manic state prior, but I was at least somewhat stable/even as far as mood goes for about a month and a half prior. I did have a short 1-2 week depressive episode in March (or thereabouts) but that seemed to stabilize with standard medications and a short removal from almost all aspect of real and virtual life...except for running.

As the third week of my illness began I could tell that my thinking was moving to a much more negative place. What are "normal" fleeting thoughts of death for me...something that just happens without any trigger it seems...increasingly became more pronounced ideation of "how" I would die by my own hand. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal at all...I just had/have some serious suicidal thinking going on there is a difference. I can't say that I didn't have a plan because I always have a plan. Anyone who has attempted suicide always has one or more reserved plans tucked away in some dark corner of their mind IMHO. I mean really, I've attempted suicide at least 6-8 times in the first 5-7 years of my illness (I was diagnosed in 1997 and no attempts since about 2005) there's no way that I've expunged all those attempts from my brain. I had the train schedule memorized for when we lived in base housing...I could walk a quarter of a mile down the road at 5am in the morning and get hit by a train going by in the darkness by 5:20am. I could tell you how many Tylenol PMs I have taken and still survived without any injury to my liver. I don't accept any narcotic prescriptions anymore unless absolutely necessary because I've overdosed on Darvocet and Tylenol #3 before. I can't tell you how many times in my recent travels that I've driven by a ravine and thought to myself, "Well, if I drive over the side of that I should roll enough times that I'll be dead in the crash." Or how many times in the last 2-3 weeks that I've been driving alone and raised my right hand making that fake gun with the finger and thumb and then holding it under my chin and pretending to shoot myself (we don't own guns anymore...got rid of them when I got pregnant in 1995). Now, tell me that's normal.

Why am I talking about this? Because someone has to. This is the reality. For me life right now sucks the big one. I can't dig fast enough to get away from the darkness. I've fought this illness knowingly for the past 16+ years. I know I had symptoms of at least depression since I was about 16 years old if not earlier. When I become this way, I withdraw from life. I don't leave the house unless there's a reason to and I'm lucky to take a shower or even just brush my teeth for days on end. Most of the time I hardly get out of bed! The longest I've been in self-imposed solitude was close to three weeks. Running has forced me to at least occasionally venture out without necessarily having to interact with anyone. Hell, if it hadn't been due to having to travel to run or go to doctor's appointments in these last weeks I probably wouldn't have gotten out of the house at all. I have close to 1,600 emails that I haven't looked at, messages on Facebook that I can't bear to open but at least I am interacting just a little bit on there now.

I'm sure people are hating on me right now due to my disappearance, but I know what I can handle and what I can't. Any additional pressure on me is sure to send me back into a spiral downward since I'm not stable yet. Right now it's a matter of me trying to regain my sanity (without having to be admitted voluntarily/involuntarily) or to do something in a less positive way. Hell, I've never thought of cutting before (not good with pain) but even that idea has crossed my mind several times.

The period between February and June/July tend to be my worst times, when I can expect these major mood swings to take place and just like it has for the past I-don't-know-how-many years it's struck with a vengeance. In 2009-2011 I spent all but 4 months (the fall 2010 semester) in a severe depression...crying daily, this-close to suicide, feeling the worthlessness of it all. At least I'm not there...yet...it could happen. So, as I wait for this to pass I continue to run...just to physically run away from my situation for around 3 hours, trying to run away from my depression. Truthfully, at this point, I think that if I were to stop running my life would be in real jeopardy. Geez, I never thought I'd think that way about running...I'll be back in due time, once this all starts to settle. Hopefully sooner than later (or never). It's bedtime now...for tomorrow I run.

Note: I've turned off comments for this post. If you're thinking well wishes for me, thanks. If you want to b!tch me out, bite me! (Told you I'm in a mood.) This was just a post more to think out loud and let people who might be wondering where/how I am.

Reality bits

Yeah, the title is right it is supposed to say "bits" rather than "bites." I was just perusing my blog last night and this morning when I realized that a great deal of my latest posts have been about my running. I have to tell you, I don't picture this as a running blog but more of an eclectic mix of whatever comes to mind at the moment that I decide to write the post. With that being said let me meander through a few thoughts that are in my head at the moment.

Last night the little grand pup, Charley, unexpectedly came for a visit for about an hour. His mommy had driven the nearly 4 hours in snow to drop a friend off from the Albuquerque Sunport (Airport) and then turn around for the trip home. Really? She dropped Charley off with me while she and her roommate/SO (so confused about the relationship) went to have some dinner before heading back up to Albuquerque. Poor Charley didn't seem like his normally chipper self. He barely acknowledged me, no kisses whatsoever, wanted to spend most of his time alone out in the snow unless I put him up on the bed (he didn't even try to jump up by himself) and just seemed to be depressed. I was so sad and I worry about him. IMHO he needs to come home to grandma and live with the pack again. I actually cried for a little bit after he left to go back with his mommy. He'll be back to see us, if not stay with us, eventually. :(

A few days ago I had a sudden occurrence of some really negative thinking just out of the blue and totally unexpected. The whole episode lasted about 30 minutes and I didn't act on anything, but I know that something like that is one of the first signs that an impending depression will likely start within the month. It only makes sense...ever since I was diagnosed in 1997 I could set a watch to the deepest depressions that would occur every, and I do mean every, spring typically in late February or early to mid March. Nowadays my depressions hit anytime of year but only very rarely in the summer...it's all that extra sunlight and being able to be outside more. So, with this early indication of an impending crash of my mental health, I've added back a low dose of an antidepressant, Wellbutrin SR, at 100 mg daily to allow time for it to kick in before things get bad. I'll probably be back on this med, and maybe back up to my usual 150mg dose, for at least 6 months. Joy. Hopefully it'll only be the Wellbutrin and lithium that I'll need to be on. I really don't want to throw more meds into the mix since I'm running.

Lastly, have I mentioned how much I hate housework? That's what's staring me in the face at the moment so I guess I ought to stop blogging. So wish me luck! Have a great Monday!

100 Days Challenge: 

• Day 44
• 50 minute Aqua Zumba class

What I Ate Today:

• 1 bacon croissant-wich from Weinerschnitzel
• 1 hash brown patty
• 10 oz orange juice
• 20 oz G2
• 32 oz Pepsi
• 1 Bacon cheeseburger w/ grilled onions & mushrooms from Baby J's Grille
• ~3 cups overdone french fries

Lousy eating for running a half marathon tomorrow!! :(

Medications, Patience & Sleep

Well, I've been back on my lithium for a week now. Can't say that I notice any difference, but at least I've got it back on board. I did miss one day but took it first thing in the morning as soon as I remembered. If I can manage to keep on them for another 2-3 weeks I'll go ahead and make a follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist (p-doc) to get labs drawn and figure out the next step in my medication regimen. Hopefully the small dose I'm on, combined with the weight loss will mean that I don't need to increase the dose again.

As far a patience goes I'm still waiting for the last $535 to be posted to my Team in Training account. All I want to see is that percentage bar maxed out to the 100% line...that way I know I've really reached that goal. *le sigh* Hopefully tomorrow...it would be nice to know for sure before the weekend comes.

Forgive the short post today, I'm just rambling. I've been awake since 6am Wednesday so right now I'm on hour 36 without sleep. Getting a bit cranky and my thinking is just a little cloudy. So with that, I bid you goodnight...I'm going to grab some dinner and then hit the hay!

NOTE: I wrote this Thursday night before I fell asleep. I just woke up this morning after about 10 hours of sleep feeling fully functional and back to normal...yay! :)

A bad choice repeated...again

Lithium carbonate capsules.
Lithium is effective in all phases of BPII..

OK, so...I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type II (BPII) in 1997 and since then I've been good and taken my cocktail of meds and at times I've been bad and not taken my meds. I've been okay without them and at other times I've crashed and burned big time. I'm supposed to be on quite a few meds: lithium (mood stabilizer), bupropion (antidepressant), quetiapine (antipsychotic) and lamotrigine (anticonvulsant/mood stabilizer) so without these meds I know that my brain chemistry (one of the major factors affecting mental health) has been out of whack.

Since I started exercising in late May I have to admit taking my meds has been a challenge. I was pretty good at the start and maintained my meds into June, but I got to feeling really good (not manicky, IMHO) and by the end of July was totally off of them. Anyway, I already know that fall, winter and spring are the worst times of year for me as far as mood swings...primarily extremely severe, major depressions...so I have tried on and off since July to get back on my meds with no luck. I've tried at least three times but the meds made me feel so low in energy that I stopped so that I could continue training for the half marathon.

With the recent change in my own ability to work and train, or lack thereof, plus the husband's recent layoff a few weeks ago has things have seemingly affected me a little more than I had realized. I was talking with my therapist today and for the first time in a long time became tearful. Not like me. I guess I'm beginning to feel the pressure but have always been real good at internalizing and hiding my feelings/moods. So, on the way out of his office we had to go past my psychiatrist's (p-doc) office. Today she was between patients and saw me start to walk past and my therapist asked her if she had 5 minutes to see me, which she did, so he ushered me into the office. Now, you have to understand that I have avoided my appointments with my p-doc since I wasn't taking my meds and feeling pretty much okay. However, with my failed attempts at starting back on the meds and the tearfulness today, I reluctantly 'fessed up to my poor choices and we decided to start from scratch again.

So...tonight I begin back on only my lithium at a lower dose since I've lost almost 20 pounds since I last saw her. Hopefully, the lithium will do the trick but I'll most likely have to start back on an antidepressant for awhile in the near future. One antidepressant that I don't think I'll ever take again is the quetiapine (Seroquel) since I think that had played a part in my vertigo attacks. That old adage that "Doctors make the worst patients" is true but it also applies to nurses...especially nurses that are too familiar with their own illness and make poor choices because of that knowledge. Oh wait, that's me! :-X

So, here's to new beginnings...yet again. Hopefully this time I'll stick with the meds instead of ignoring them again...

Mental Illness & "Two and a Half Men"

You know, I do enjoy watching Two and a Half Men but today's episode focused on Jon Cryer's character, Alan, having a bad dream while in the "stress clinic" or "looney bin" after being admitted to a mental health hospital after the death of Charlie Sheen's character. The use of the term "looney bin" grated at my nerves a bit. I am under no false pretense that the stigma associated with being an inpatient on a mental ward is not still prevalent in people's mind but I find such terminology distasteful. It's not only degrading to those, like myself, who have been a patient on psych wards but it's fueling the stigma associated with mental illness.

To further this negative view of mental illness, the failed suicide attempt by Alan I thought was a bit over the top. There must have been a different option than pushing the character to the point of attempting suicide, don't you think? I mean, really, times are rough for a lot of folk who are dealing with a lot of different issues and I just see this story line as being a bit morbid even though the attempt eventually failed. In the past 15 years that I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder I have attempted suicide multiple times. Thankfully it's been several years since I have attempted although I always have a plan deep in my head that I can pull up and utilize. I don't keep it (or the other 3 or so plans) in mind for posterity, it's just that I've attempted that plan(s) in the past and they are ingrained in my mind's eye. So why "glamorize" suicide on a sitcom?

Maybe I'm just being a bit oversensitive or overzealous in my assessment of the episode, but people need to be reminded that mental illness is just like any other disease. The only difference is that it is based in the brain and involves chemical imbalances rather than elsewhere in the body. Come on you makers of sitcoms, television shows in general and movies...try to approach mental illness with a little tact! Rather than minimize the effects of mental illness try to approach the subject with at least a little information that would provide even a sliver of education regarding the fact that people with mental illness are just that...PEOPLE.  We are just like the "normal" people out there (really, is there such a thing as being "normal" any more?) and we have emotions/feelings just like everyone else, sometimes we just don't have the capability of coping with stressors or may not have found the right combination of meds if we're on them. Don't propagate the stigma!!

A moment of candor...or is it just frustration?

I'm not one to shy away from putting my life on the internet. Facebook has been my saving grace through many a crisis in the last 2-3 years as it gives me a place to vent when things get rough. I've lost contact with some people because they think I'm too open about things, but that's how I am so deal with it or un-friend me!

Anyway just last week the old man got laid off from his job. In 2008, he retired from the Air Force after 26 years and went into a major depression which brought out his inner demons as far as addiction is concerned. He started drinking and wasn't motivated to do anything within months of retiring and not finding a job. I found him the job that he was just laid off from and hoped that would bring him out of his funk, but unfortunately it didn't. He ended up drinking excessively and actually ended up hospitalized for a BAC of 0.43 where he was at the point of basically being non-responsive. Rehab followed and things seem to be okay other than a relapse early in 2010.

Anyway, with the layoff he's not had any gumption to do anything. I mean, I might be slow getting around to things, but I do eventually get things done. All he does when we don't go to the gym or run is sit and watch TV and/or read. Granted it's only been a week, but he's talked about going back to school to use his GI Bill and looking for a job...neither of which he's really followed up on. Last week while I was running around with my head cut off trying to get ready for the 5K fundraiser he never asked if I needed any help. Today I had to ask him to take the trash out even though the took the bag out of the trash and set it next to the kitchen trash can. I need to light a fire under his ass even if it's just to get him to apply for unemployment or start back to work on the living room (which is still sitting in demo mode after 2½ years...I blame depression on both our parts and alcoholism on his part).

Ugh. I'm stable so far, but this is one of the worst times of year for my moods...hoping that this phase for him is just temporary because I don't need any additional stress right now. Really, I should get my meds back on board...