What Goes Up Must Come Down...

You know, it really sucks at times to have a mental illness. I'm going to start off right now by saying that if you are sensitive to hearing other people's stories/issues, have a negative connotation of mental illness or are afraid of it you probably shouldn't read on. I'll try to keep the language at least PG, but I'm in a bit of a mood right now so no guarantees. And off I go...

If you follow me on Facebook, you know I've been sick for most of the last month. That was mostly a physical sickness...fever, cough, gastrointestinal issues, etc., but in the last two weeks my physical illness has been joined by an acute exacerbation of my bipolar disorder. After the initial week or two of what was a simple but horrible cold I could tell that my moods were starting to shift towards the depressive state. It's not that I was anywhere near a manic state prior, but I was at least somewhat stable/even as far as mood goes for about a month and a half prior. I did have a short 1-2 week depressive episode in March (or thereabouts) but that seemed to stabilize with standard medications and a short removal from almost all aspect of real and virtual life...except for running.

As the third week of my illness began I could tell that my thinking was moving to a much more negative place. What are "normal" fleeting thoughts of death for me...something that just happens without any trigger it seems...increasingly became more pronounced ideation of "how" I would die by my own hand. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal at all...I just had/have some serious suicidal thinking going on there is a difference. I can't say that I didn't have a plan because I always have a plan. Anyone who has attempted suicide always has one or more reserved plans tucked away in some dark corner of their mind IMHO. I mean really, I've attempted suicide at least 6-8 times in the first 5-7 years of my illness (I was diagnosed in 1997 and no attempts since about 2005) there's no way that I've expunged all those attempts from my brain. I had the train schedule memorized for when we lived in base housing...I could walk a quarter of a mile down the road at 5am in the morning and get hit by a train going by in the darkness by 5:20am. I could tell you how many Tylenol PMs I have taken and still survived without any injury to my liver. I don't accept any narcotic prescriptions anymore unless absolutely necessary because I've overdosed on Darvocet and Tylenol #3 before. I can't tell you how many times in my recent travels that I've driven by a ravine and thought to myself, "Well, if I drive over the side of that I should roll enough times that I'll be dead in the crash." Or how many times in the last 2-3 weeks that I've been driving alone and raised my right hand making that fake gun with the finger and thumb and then holding it under my chin and pretending to shoot myself (we don't own guns anymore...got rid of them when I got pregnant in 1995). Now, tell me that's normal.

Why am I talking about this? Because someone has to. This is the reality. For me life right now sucks the big one. I can't dig fast enough to get away from the darkness. I've fought this illness knowingly for the past 16+ years. I know I had symptoms of at least depression since I was about 16 years old if not earlier. When I become this way, I withdraw from life. I don't leave the house unless there's a reason to and I'm lucky to take a shower or even just brush my teeth for days on end. Most of the time I hardly get out of bed! The longest I've been in self-imposed solitude was close to three weeks. Running has forced me to at least occasionally venture out without necessarily having to interact with anyone. Hell, if it hadn't been due to having to travel to run or go to doctor's appointments in these last weeks I probably wouldn't have gotten out of the house at all. I have close to 1,600 emails that I haven't looked at, messages on Facebook that I can't bear to open but at least I am interacting just a little bit on there now.

I'm sure people are hating on me right now due to my disappearance, but I know what I can handle and what I can't. Any additional pressure on me is sure to send me back into a spiral downward since I'm not stable yet. Right now it's a matter of me trying to regain my sanity (without having to be admitted voluntarily/involuntarily) or to do something in a less positive way. Hell, I've never thought of cutting before (not good with pain) but even that idea has crossed my mind several times.

The period between February and June/July tend to be my worst times, when I can expect these major mood swings to take place and just like it has for the past I-don't-know-how-many years it's struck with a vengeance. In 2009-2011 I spent all but 4 months (the fall 2010 semester) in a severe depression...crying daily, this-close to suicide, feeling the worthlessness of it all. At least I'm not there...yet...it could happen. So, as I wait for this to pass I continue to run...just to physically run away from my situation for around 3 hours, trying to run away from my depression. Truthfully, at this point, I think that if I were to stop running my life would be in real jeopardy. Geez, I never thought I'd think that way about running...I'll be back in due time, once this all starts to settle. Hopefully sooner than later (or never). It's bedtime now...for tomorrow I run.

Note: I've turned off comments for this post. If you're thinking well wishes for me, thanks. If you want to b!tch me out, bite me! (Told you I'm in a mood.) This was just a post more to think out loud and let people who might be wondering where/how I am.

Goodbye Zumba! (For Now)

Today I made a gut wrenching decision. I'm letting Zumba go, at least for now, until I feel my pelvic malalignment issues have been permanently corrected. Up until I attended a couple of classes last week my pelvis/IT band has been feeling pretty good with only some slight aching. After attending the classes (regular studio classes) I began having increased pain to the point that I had to start sitting out some songs on the second day. Even now I have some issues with mild pain and tightness when I first start running even when running at a pace slower than my normal training pace of about 12-13 minutes/mile. My next half marathon is just over two weeks away, so I think that it is the smart move to stop Zumba now and allow as much recovery (between runs) as possible.It seems that the Aqua Zumba isn't causing me any problems, other than sore arms because I use swim gloves for more resistance, so I'll be staying with that. Luckily summer is headed our way in a few months so I'll be able to attend classes at the outdoor pool over the summer...woohoo!

So, what will I replace it with? Well, I should start training on the bike for the sprint duathlon in May. I still need to replace the MTB tires for semi slicks and my bike needs a serious tune up (it doesn't help that it's a cheap WalMart bike). I'm just not ready to fork over big bucks for a road bike...that won't happen until I find out how much I enjoy/or not enjoy riding. We have an elliptical but to tell the truth, I hate it. First of all my quads burn so bad within 10 minutes or so and well, I don't have the patience to stay on it...I think it's actually worse than the "dreadmill."

So, I'll have to decide fairly quickly. I definitely need some cross training in my routine as well as speed work (again something that I dislike). I wish our YMCA had a full on rowing machine...I've loved rowing in the past. I've read that rowing is a great cross training activity for runners as well. I could row almost forever I think. Maybe that's what I'll look for to add to the home gym in the future, a nice rowing machine. But that costs money. Ugh. Running is making me even more broke than normal!! Running is NOT a cheap sport...don't let anyone tell you it is!! LOL!

100 Days Challenge:

• Day 39
• 38 minutes of PT exercises for pelvic malalignment/ITBS

What I Ate Today:

• 12 oz non-fat, lactose free milk
• 2 fried eggs
• 2 sausage patties
• 8 oz Mongolian beef
• 1½ cups white rice
• 1 pound baked potato from Something Different Grill with
• shredded cheese
• bacon bits
• chives
• sour cream
• butter
• salt
• pepper
• 32 oz Pepsi
• 20 oz G2

Alkalete Review Day 2:
Yesterday was my 2nd full day on the Yoli Alkalete dosing. After doing a 6 mile treadmill run late last night I woke up today to my feet feeling okay but some soreness in the legs/hips. As the day has worn on, the soreness had eased significantly although I did do some PT exercises and the soreness increased somewhat. I was also extremely tired today and yesterday having to take an extended nap each day. Now, I'm not saying that the fatigue is due to the Alkalete as there is also a change in my body's self-regulation that I noticed yesterday. Tomorrow is an 8-10 mile run so we'll see how things are feeling on Friday. The testing continues.

The good, the bad...whatever.

Had some somewhat major milestones today. I said goodbye to my purple hair and hello again to brunette. My  hair is now back to a very deep auburn and in good light you can still see some of the purple shimmer through the auburn. I kinda feel strange having "normal" colored hair again...much like I felt weird when I first went purple. At least it should take less time to get used to this color than the bright purple. The thing I'm looking forward to after the first couple of days is the lack of the hair color bleeding. With the purple, a semi-permanent dye, anytime I sweat I'd have streaks of light purple sweat and actually ruined one of my running tech shirts due to the bleed. It was really strange though...got my hair colored at the cosmetology clinic at the college and seemed to be drained of all my energy. Could it be that the purple hair was some type of energy magnet for me? Hmmm...after going back to brunette I ended up sleeping through the local run club meetup and the first part of my hatha flow yoga class. Not a good thing.

The second major thing to happen today was finally getting my Tinkerbell Half Marathon tattoo to commemorate completing my first half marathon. For those of you counting, this is number 23 in my collection of skin art. This has been a long time coming...6 months to be exact! The place I got it at offered to do it the week before the race but I was like, "I don't want to jinx anything! I don't want a tat I haven't earned." So now that the race was done and I finished with a decent time it was the right time to have it done. Now I just need to finish my duathlon, and eventually a triathlon, to balance out my arm in May...

My training run today was a treadmill run of 6 miles and was truly a bear. My left hip/IT band issues are starting to rear their ugly heads again. I could only manage a max of 1% incline and a very short burst of max speed at 6mph. Otherwise I was doing 1/4 lap walking at 3mph and 1 lap at 3.8-5.5 miles per hour. Things seemed to loosen up late in mile 4/early in mile 5 where I was able to run up to 3/4 of a mile at a time. I'm beginning to worry what's going to happen at the half at the end of the month. I also beginning to think that Zumba is the root of my hip/pelvic issues so I'm afraid I may have to abandon it all together. :(

Overall my eating and drinking habits are sorely lacking...gave in to my lack of willpower and had a Pepsi today. I've really gotta get back on board as training really has to get serious. Time to really try hard to suck things up! Until tomorrow or the next day...

100 Days Challenge:

• Day 38
• 6 mile treadmill run in 1:30:10

What I Ate Today:

• 3 pieces of fried chicken (2 thighs, 1 drumstick)
• 1 cup of white rice
• 12 oz non-fat, lactose free milk
• 24 oz low fat chocolate milk
• 1 Weinerschnitzel bacon croissant
• 1 Weinerschnitzel hash brown patty
• 8 oz orange juice
• <¼ of a Taco Box New Mexicali taco salad
• seasoned ground beef, refried beans, green chile, guacamole, sour cream, shredded cheddar, black olive slices, tomato, iceberg lettuce
• 34 oz Pepsi

Alkalete Review, Day 1:
Yesterday was my first full day taking Alkalete (manufactured by Yoli) which by all that I've read basically an alkalizing compound to neutralize the acidity of the body. I currently trying the product out on a 10-15 day trail for $9.95. It is supposed to help with delayed onset of muscle soreness (DOMS) something I experienced after my first half marathon a week and a half ago where I felt pretty much fine for the first 3 days post-race but ended up with significantly sore feet an legs late on day 3 and most definitely through days 4-7 post race. I took the first half of a loading dose on Sunday in the evening after my 8 mile long-ish run and by Monday morning did notice a significant change in the soreness of my feet and lower legs. Yesterday I took the full 2 doses at loading levels and this morning my feet and legs feel fine although I am having some stiffness of the knees (nothing new) and some left hip/IT band pain (again, nothing new as I had been in PT for 2 months for this). The Alkalete is also supposed to help those suffering from acid indigestion/heartburn something that plagues me off and on. I am not a distributor...I'm simply sampling it for myself since I plan to run at least one half marathon a month this year. I'm hoping that it helps my recovery time so that I can start training for the next race as soon as possible.

DOMS has been described by some as occurring due to lactic acid buildup lasting up to 72 hours after strenuous activity and others describing it as being due to microscopic tears after heavy activity. However, most seem to agree that lactic acid breakdown (or neutralization) occurs within the first hour after activity. Since I added the Alkalete so late after my race I'm basing my review on using it during my training for my next half marathon late this month. After my run  on Sunday, I experienced very little muscle soreness considering how tender my feet were Sunday morning. So, stay tuned...we'll see how this goes.

The night before the Tinkerbell Half

Sandra & I...after 30 years!

Well, I'm just writing a quick post before going to bed super early for the half marathon tomorrow morning. It's been a great day starting off with meeting up with one of my besties from high school, Sandra, and having lunch at Brennan's at Downtown Disney. Then the Tinkerbell Half Marathon Facebook group meetup at Compass Book in Downtown Disney...it's great to be able to put faces to names after all the online communication we've been doing! It was a great bunch of people who I now consider friends and whom I hope to run into (nearly literally) while continuing on my running journey. Lastly the Team in Training Inspiration Dinner was fantastic! Amazing stories, amazing people...really good food too!

Tinkerbell Half Marathon Facebook Group Meetup

I've loaded up my Fuel Belt with 3 packets of thinned Gu Chocolate Outrage gel, grape G2, water and some Clif Shot Bloks just in case. My ensemble is all set up so I shouldn't forget anything although I have to fill out the back of my bib with my safety information. Our chapter is meeting in the lobby at 3:45am...race starts at 5:45 am. I made sure that the husband (who was a good sport and took probably 15 cameras and shot pics for our group meetup and held the meetup sign) is all set up with the top of the line ChEAR Squad package (breakfast, prime seating, luxury portapotties and lounge at the starting/finishing lines) so he should be good for the day while I run.

After the run the plan is an ice bath, maybe the pool, food and Disneyland for as long as I can remain standing. Then a quick sleep and back to New Mexico early Monday. It's a great weekend so far! Good night and wish me luck tomorrow!

100 Days Challenge:

• 30 minute round trip walk from hotel to Downtown Disney + walking around Downtown Disney an addition 1+ hour

What I Ate Today:

• Yoplait Peach Yogurt
• Corn Pops pre-measured bowl
• 1 pint non fat milk
• 72 oz water
• 40 oz G2
• Shrimp Cobb Po' Boy
• ~½ cup coleslaw
• ~2 cups Oriental Salad
• ½ cup marinated mushrooms
• ~2 cups p
• ¼ cup meat sauce
• 1 Roll with ½ pat of butter
• ~3oz grilled chicken breast
• ~1 cup steamed vegetables
• Lemon bar with raspberry sauce

Wow! That was a lot of food!!;)

Tinkerbell Thinking

NOTE: Written as I was sitting on my flight from Albuquerque to Denver this morning.

Well, here I am, on board my first flight headed back to California but this time it’s not the my hometown in the San Francisco Bay Area that I’m headed to. Instead I’m headed to Southern California to the home of Mickey and Minnie Mouse…and Tinkerbell! My goal this time is to complete my first half marathon, the inaugural Tinkerbell Half Marathon, with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training. Since August 6^th I’ve been learning and reading and experiencing running in such a way that I’ve never experienced in my life. For as long as I can remember I have had a dislike of anything requiring an extended amount of running. Only while I was in basic training at Lackland AFB did I actually enjoy running and I think it was just because we ran in formation and the group basically pushed you to keep up.

In less than 43 hours I will be making my 2^nd attempt at running 13+ miles. I did a practice run of 13.3 miles, much to the chagrin of my TNT coach, just to prove to myself that I could do it. Now, when I say “run” please know that I actually mean more of a run/walk/run situation. Right now my max distance while running is only about 1½ miles…on a good day. More times than not I run about ½ to 1 mile at a time before walking.

As I continue on this journey of my first run with TNT I ask that you remember those who have had to struggle and/or succumbed to the various forms of leukemia, lymphoma and myelodysplastic disorders. It is for those who can’t run due to illness that I run. It is for all cancer patients living and those no longer with us for whom I run. It is to do something for those who might similar or better actions once they get some relief from cancer. 

To all my TNT teammate, all of whom I have not yet met and some that I’ll meet this weekend…GO TEAM!!

100 Days Challenge:

• Brisk 2.39 mile walk back to the hotel from dinner

 What I Ate Today:

• 1 whole wheat Bagel Thin
• 2 Tbsp cream cheese
• 12 oz non-fat, lactose free milk
• 20 oz G2
• 3 slices French toast (IHOP)
• 4 sausage links
• 32 oz hot chocolate
• 24 oz orange juice
• ½ Tbsp butter
• 50 oz water
• Hawaiian BBQ mixed plate (beef, beef short ribs, chicken, white rice, macaroni salad)
• 3/4 Spam masubi

Day Late Post

Whoops! I was so busy cleaning last night that I missed writing a blog post. So here’s the update for yesterday…

100 Days Challenge:

• 2.1 mile run in
• Yoga class for 1:42:25 

What I Ate Today:

• 2 fried eggs
• 2 sausage patties
• 12 oz non-fat, lactose free milk
• 30 G2
• 1½ cups rosemary potato soup
• 1 regular size Double Cheesesteak sandwich from Quizno’s
• 1 regular size (20 oz?) sweet tea at Quizno’s

Didn’t do very well at eating or at fluid intake at all!!

Simple update

Not in the mood to blog tonight, so just an update...


100 Days Challenge:

• Day 21: 6.07 mile run in 1:21:07 on Yucca/CCC/Norris route

What I Ate Today:

• 1 slice whole wheat, whole grain toast
• 1 Tbsp Skippy Super Chunk peanut butter
• 8 oz hot water with lemon
• 2 sausage patties
• 2 fried eggs
• 8 oz low fat chocolate milk
• 2 oranges
• 1 3/4 cup beef stew
• 1 bag microwave popcorn
• 28 oz G2