The Elusiveness of Self-Esteem

Self -esteem or self-worth by whichever moniker you prefer is defined by the Online Merriam Webster Dictionary as:

 "A confidence and satisfaction in oneself." 

In the user defined Wikipedia, self-esteem is described as:

"Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgement of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self."

Now, I think most people have a fairly decent self-regard but for some of us, for whatever reason, we don't have that positive self-image although some and even many around us may see us as being some kind of outstanding person in whatever aspect of or even our whole lives. Today a friend posted this status on one of the social networks:

"I need to see myself the way other people see me."  

I saw that and the first thing I thought was that I could just relate so much to that statement. The young lady who posted that statement has gone through a remarkable journey and I would love to know that she feels really good about what she has accomplished so far and what she will continue to accomplish in the future, but like I said...I can totally relate to how she is likely feeling.

Prior to my bipolar diagnosis, you could say that I have a very strong sense of self-worth/self-esteem. In my late teens and early 20's I felt, for the most, part that I could tackle the world and get out of it what I wanted. Then my symptomology for the bipolar started started to creep into the fold. My ability to handle stressful situations declined dramatically, I began questioning myself in many different aspects of my life. My diagnosis came at a huge juncture in my life. I was just getting ready to finish my master's degree in nursing when an overwhelming depression, suicidality and a lack of interest in life hit me. I struggled through and managed to finish my degree but had to drop my optional thesis which I had done a lot of work on already and because of the new diagnosis and of losing trust in my own decision making I never applied for my family nurse practitioner license although I had passed the national certification testing. I think it was at this point that my once strong self-esteem/worth went to pot. This was the first time that I had felt like a true and complete failure.

Since that time I have found it difficult to be proud of whatever accomplishment that others say I have done. I never feel that I have done enough to earn any recognition and truthfully, recognition stresses me out so badly that I usually end up in a deep, if not suicidal, depression. Case in point, I was working in the clinic of the local base and my supervisor put me in for civilian of the quarter which I won, then won the squadron civilian of the year, followed by base civilian of the year and then went to 8th Air Force competition. At the beginning of this process I had literally begged my supervisor not to put my name in the hat, but he did anyway. All I could do is smile through all the "'Atta girls" and pats on the back while all I could think was that I didn't deserve any of it and that they were making a huge mistake. This triggered a massive, suicidal depression and within months I had resigned from that position and thought about leaving nursing for good.

You would think that someone who got these commendations would be proud, but instead it just caused me such anxiety because I didn't believe all the good things that they said about me were true. To this day I don't want to be commended for anything I do. Just let me do what I'm expected to do and leave it there. Bringing attention to me just makes for bigger problems for me.

My self-worth/self-loathing (okay, maybe loathing is a strong word, but it's the only one I can think of right now) took an especially big hit in 2009 when I again hit a massive, suicidal depression after beginning work on a PhD in nursing as well as being just two semesters shy of graduating with a second master's degree in nursing...this time as a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I had started my PhD that summer in the midst of a grand hypomanic phase when I was barely sleeping and had loads of energy to spare, but by the end of summer that depression hit and I could barely function on a day to day basis let alone as a student in two concurrent programs. That was the point that I gave up my academic dreams and my self-esteem dropped to all time lows. Again all I saw myself as was a complete failure.

Now I try to avoid anything that will draw massive attention to me. Sure I'll jump in to organize things, but I'm happiest lurking in the background where no one will hopefully notice me. If nobody notices me then I don't have to worry about meeting other people's expectations...let alone my own. I've really learned to hide my lack of self-esteem/worth. What can I say...like many people with mood disorders...I've learned to wear a mask a lot of the time so people don't really see how much I'm hurting.

I'm hopeful that one day I'll be able to see in me what others seem to see in me. But until that time, I just continue to struggle with my idea of my lack of worth and will hopefully see the light at the end of the tunnel one day and come to see myself in a more positive vein.

Hopefully this works!

• How's your self-esteem/self-worth?
• What do you do to boost you self-esteem/self-worth that helps you?

What Goes Up Must Come Down...

You know, it really sucks at times to have a mental illness. I'm going to start off right now by saying that if you are sensitive to hearing other people's stories/issues, have a negative connotation of mental illness or are afraid of it you probably shouldn't read on. I'll try to keep the language at least PG, but I'm in a bit of a mood right now so no guarantees. And off I go...

If you follow me on Facebook, you know I've been sick for most of the last month. That was mostly a physical sickness...fever, cough, gastrointestinal issues, etc., but in the last two weeks my physical illness has been joined by an acute exacerbation of my bipolar disorder. After the initial week or two of what was a simple but horrible cold I could tell that my moods were starting to shift towards the depressive state. It's not that I was anywhere near a manic state prior, but I was at least somewhat stable/even as far as mood goes for about a month and a half prior. I did have a short 1-2 week depressive episode in March (or thereabouts) but that seemed to stabilize with standard medications and a short removal from almost all aspect of real and virtual life...except for running.

As the third week of my illness began I could tell that my thinking was moving to a much more negative place. What are "normal" fleeting thoughts of death for me...something that just happens without any trigger it seems...increasingly became more pronounced ideation of "how" I would die by my own hand. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal at all...I just had/have some serious suicidal thinking going on there is a difference. I can't say that I didn't have a plan because I always have a plan. Anyone who has attempted suicide always has one or more reserved plans tucked away in some dark corner of their mind IMHO. I mean really, I've attempted suicide at least 6-8 times in the first 5-7 years of my illness (I was diagnosed in 1997 and no attempts since about 2005) there's no way that I've expunged all those attempts from my brain. I had the train schedule memorized for when we lived in base housing...I could walk a quarter of a mile down the road at 5am in the morning and get hit by a train going by in the darkness by 5:20am. I could tell you how many Tylenol PMs I have taken and still survived without any injury to my liver. I don't accept any narcotic prescriptions anymore unless absolutely necessary because I've overdosed on Darvocet and Tylenol #3 before. I can't tell you how many times in my recent travels that I've driven by a ravine and thought to myself, "Well, if I drive over the side of that I should roll enough times that I'll be dead in the crash." Or how many times in the last 2-3 weeks that I've been driving alone and raised my right hand making that fake gun with the finger and thumb and then holding it under my chin and pretending to shoot myself (we don't own guns anymore...got rid of them when I got pregnant in 1995). Now, tell me that's normal.

Why am I talking about this? Because someone has to. This is the reality. For me life right now sucks the big one. I can't dig fast enough to get away from the darkness. I've fought this illness knowingly for the past 16+ years. I know I had symptoms of at least depression since I was about 16 years old if not earlier. When I become this way, I withdraw from life. I don't leave the house unless there's a reason to and I'm lucky to take a shower or even just brush my teeth for days on end. Most of the time I hardly get out of bed! The longest I've been in self-imposed solitude was close to three weeks. Running has forced me to at least occasionally venture out without necessarily having to interact with anyone. Hell, if it hadn't been due to having to travel to run or go to doctor's appointments in these last weeks I probably wouldn't have gotten out of the house at all. I have close to 1,600 emails that I haven't looked at, messages on Facebook that I can't bear to open but at least I am interacting just a little bit on there now.

I'm sure people are hating on me right now due to my disappearance, but I know what I can handle and what I can't. Any additional pressure on me is sure to send me back into a spiral downward since I'm not stable yet. Right now it's a matter of me trying to regain my sanity (without having to be admitted voluntarily/involuntarily) or to do something in a less positive way. Hell, I've never thought of cutting before (not good with pain) but even that idea has crossed my mind several times.

The period between February and June/July tend to be my worst times, when I can expect these major mood swings to take place and just like it has for the past I-don't-know-how-many years it's struck with a vengeance. In 2009-2011 I spent all but 4 months (the fall 2010 semester) in a severe depression...crying daily, this-close to suicide, feeling the worthlessness of it all. At least I'm not there...yet...it could happen. So, as I wait for this to pass I continue to run...just to physically run away from my situation for around 3 hours, trying to run away from my depression. Truthfully, at this point, I think that if I were to stop running my life would be in real jeopardy. Geez, I never thought I'd think that way about running...I'll be back in due time, once this all starts to settle. Hopefully sooner than later (or never). It's bedtime now...for tomorrow I run.

Note: I've turned off comments for this post. If you're thinking well wishes for me, thanks. If you want to b!tch me out, bite me! (Told you I'm in a mood.) This was just a post more to think out loud and let people who might be wondering where/how I am.

The (cleaning) clock keeps ticking

I am a little over 24 hours away from leaving for California to head to Disneyland and my first half marathon. Actually I'm almost exactly 30 hours away from my departure from home. Of course, here I am doing the last minute cleaning as usual. Why is it when I go on trips, I don't actually get the house clean until the night before I leave? My great procrastination genes at work I suppose. I swear, I need to ask my sister if she has this problem too. I'm betting that it's a hereditary family trait!

Part of the problem is that I am just now getting around to personalizing my race jersey and training shirt (pics when they are done). I had my jersey done by a friend and had him press on die cut block letters for my name and "GO TEAM!" then I got it home today and decided that I wanted to add "Tinkerbell Half Marathon 2012" to the jersey as well. On my training shirt I made a freezer paper stencil of Tinkerbell and also added the "Tinkerbell Half Marathon 2012" on the back of it.

The kitchen and bedroom are pretty much done. All I need to do is wipe down the counters and stove in the kitchen and sweep/mop. In the bedroom I just need to change the sheets and wash the comforter. I probably should straighten up the master bathroom too since we're going to have the daughter stay in our room so that the K9s can sleep in there if she wants them too.

My dining room table is still a mess so I've got to work on that tonight & tomorrow as well as attempt to clear off my desk so that the daughter can use that computer (if it even works...haven't used the "new" computer in there in years; I bought it in 2007, it sat around in the box for almost a year and hasn't been used since I set it up I think!). Lastly I need to sweep, scrub and mop all the floors. Joy. That is definitely not my favorite task.

Does anyone know if there is a magic pill or a potion that will make me into a domestic diva who loves Zumba and running? Please?

Oh...and I still need to finish packing. Oy vey!

As of the posting of this blog post I have: 1 day, 6 hours, 46 mins until Disneyland

As of the posting of this blog post I have: 3 days, 7 hours, 31 mins until the Half Marathon!

100 Days Challenge:

• 1.92 mile taper run in 24:37
• Aqua Zumba class for 50:08

What I Ate Today:

• 1 slice whole wheat, whole grain toast
• 1 Tbsp Jif Reduced Fat peanut butter
• 8 oz hot water with lemon
• 40 oz G2
• 2 small loaded baked potatoes 
• 2 Tbsp butter
• 2 Tbsp sour cream
• 7 Tbsp Fiesta blend shredded cheese
• 2 tsps freeze dried chives
• 1 Tbsp imitation bacon bits
• 3 cups Texas style beef chili
• 2 oranges

For what it's worth...

My brain is a little scattered for some reason today so this post may not make a lot of sense...but here we go anyway!

Two pieces of good news so far today: 

1) SOPA/PIPA were pulled from consideration for the time being. That doesn't put censorship of the internet as something in the past, so we have to keep our ears to the ground and listen/watch for new legislation being put forth as a alternative to SOPA/PIPA. Hopefully, whomever writes it actually takes time to consider all aspects and the potential effects.

2) Son got a job as a network administrator out in Tempe. Of course, he has not told me the details, but at least it's a job he wants to do.

Other stuff:

1) I'm freaking out a bit about my upcoming race. Can't find things I want to bring/wear, the packing list for my carry on is 4 times longer that what I have for the checked baggage. Can't find my camera. I've got so much cleaning to do since the daughter and you boy friend are going to house sit over the weekend. Thinking about upgrading the old man to my old Droid X...but he hardly uses his phone as it is. Worried that I'm going to forget something that I really need. But, darn it...I've planned where we're having just about every meal while we're in Anaheim!! Including a 2 mile walk (one way) to L & L Hawaiian BBQ for our first meal in Cali!! See...I'm pinging just a little about this whole journey. *le sigh*

2) I'm wanting to join the Half Fanatics Club...minimum requirements for entry at the lowest level: 2 half marathons within a 16 day time frame or 3 half marathons within a 90 day time frame. I can do the 2nd option by adding the Pecos Valley Stampede to my race schedule on 2/25. Hmmmm...OMG...I'm turning into a run monster!! I hope it's just not a mania coming on...Not that it would be a bad thing during my race! lol.

 

100 Days Challenge:

• Run/Cycle/Run class at YMCA
• 0.96 mile run on treadmill in 11:39 
• 16:30 spin/cycle session 
• 1.37 miles run/walk on treadmill in 17:55

What I Ate Today:

• 40 oz G2
• 48 oz water with lemon
• Bacon Swiss cheeseburger from Baby J's Grille
• French fries
• French bread pizza

Made my 80oz fluid intake goal for today!! Yay!!

My life with K9's

As most of you know I live with my old man and a pack of six canines. Now, four of those canines are actually mine and they are all less than 8 pounds each. In my personal pack there's Ally, 5 lb Pekapoo, 7 years old; Wiley, 5 lb Chihuahua (rescue), ~9 years old; Deni, 3.5 lb Maltese, 6 years old; Tina, 7 lb Chihuahua (rescue), 6 years old. The two remaining canines are both my grand pups...Charley, 10 lb Shih Tzu, 2½ years old and Ricky, ~40 lb Texas Heeler (aka Australian Cattle Dog/Australian Shepard mix), ~2 years old.

Ally

Ally is the queen bee of the pack. Even though she's one of the smallest everyone else let's her have her way. She is a bit of a bitch...literally as in moody. She can be chilled out and in a second can spin around to snap at someone because they looked at her the wrong way.

Deni

Deni is my baby. As small as she is, if she is on the bed high above everyone else she becomes second in command. There's no competition for alpha position with Ally, but Deni comes into her own when she can look down on the others. She protects the bed like it's her own personal turf! Too funny to see this little off white (can't keep her clean) dog bouncing around with a high pitched bark going. It is a cute little bark! She even howls and sounds like Chewbacca sometimes. I'd love to get her trained as a psychiatric therapy dog eventually.

Tina

Tina is a rescue we got in 2006 and was only supposed to be a temporary arrangement, but we ended up taking her with us on our 2006 western states/British Columbia tour and fell in love with her. She is the most submissive of all the K9s and is a definite licker. She does have a tendency to get a little chunky but at least she is a Chihuahua that is relatively calm about getting her nails trimmed.

Wiley (AKA Ted)

Wiley is our newest rescue who came to us by way of our son who found him wandering the streets in the area he lived. He kept him for a week or so and then asked us to keep him until he could find a place to live that accepted pets. That was back in December 2008. Wiley is now totally attached to me and will not be moving out should the son ever want him back. The major problem with Wiley coming into the house is that he was a marker...thus with the marking the other little dogs tend to follow suit so their previous housebreaking was somewhat undone but mostly rectified with the addition of a small doggie door in 2010. Ah...he is a Chihuahua who hates having his nails clipped!

Charley

Charley is our daughter's dog. She got him in 2009 while she was living here in town but ended up moving to Albuquerque later that summer. Since she had no real living arrangements set up he came to stay with us when he was about 6 months old. He is the sweetest, most loving, yet non-clingy dog! I actually dread the day that he'll actually move to live with his mommy.

Ricky at 11 months

As you can see, I'm pretty much a small dog person...Ricky, the son's dog, has thrown a glitch in that little dog lifestyle. He lived with us for about six or so months at the end of 2010 and into 2011. He came back to live with us this time in October after his dad moved to Tempe, AZ. I know the son knows that we would never relegate any pets to the shelter, so he's probably a permanent member of the household now. He's much calmer than he was the first time he lived here but the little dogs are wary of him because he's so big, yet they bully him at the same time. I have to admit that things are much better now that we've put a doggie door in for Ricky. He's finally learned to go in and out of the door all by himself after two days of trying to get him to learn. However, he still wakes me up in the early morning to go out...even though all I have to do is walk into the hallway and say "outside" to which he just goes through the door! Hmmm. He still has his puppy days and is great fun to watch when he plays with his toys and tosses them or shakes them so hard that he whacks himself in the face...over and over and over. One negative is that most of the little dogs are afraid to go outside while he's out there so their housebroken-ness is not quite so effective...again. Surprisingly he's not much of a runner...he's only able to go about 3-4 miles before he starts to give up.

Since the son moved to Arizona, traveling is a bit difficult since we have so many dogs. When he lived locally we'd have him (or the daughter when she was in town) come and check/feed the pack. Now we can manage an overnighter but are a bit wary of leaving for more than 24 hours. Perhaps with both sized doggie doors and some feeding dishes with timers we may be able to stretch out a full/long weekend. The cost of boarding 6 dogs really is a bit prohibitive!

These K9 kids are my stress relief and can usually make me smile even when I'm in a bad mood. No matter what, even with the mess, the dog hair all over (and I do mean all over) the place, the noise and the occasional chaos these canines are family and are safe with us no matter what. Really, I'd give up stuff before I let anything happen to them. Hopefully, they stay happy and healthy and we all have a long life together. The average life span of the small dogs is about 16 years...for Ricky about 12-14 years. I don't see any new canine family members being added to the family in the future...I think this is it. I think it's enough! lol!

A moment (or more) of gluttony

**Side Note: Oh buggers! (Reverting to my days living in England.) I fell asleep early last night and missed my blog post for the day, so here is my catch up post...lol!**

Well, last night I finished off the last of the Old Fisherman's Grotto clam chowder that I had made on Tuesday night. This is a recipe from the restaurant of the same name on Fisherman's Wharf in Monterey, California. I spent three days there last month to run the Big Sur River Run 10K (my very first 10K) and ended up eating at this place three times in as many days...well, actually two days because I had to go do the race on the third day then drive back up to Oakland. Anyway, it is THE best clam chowder anywhere...even better than stuff I had while in Boston! This recipe is very, very close to the restaurant's own chowder...it should be, as it's supposed to be the actual recipe they use!

The recipe resulted in about 12 nearly two cup servings and I must confess that I ate 11 of those servings!! I finally finished the last two servings in one sitting last night, along with almost half a loaf of sourdough french bread. This morning I've awakened several times because my stomach wasn't very happy with me. Evidently eating that much (I think especially the bread) is not a good thing just before falling asleep...within 20 minutes of eating. I'm finally feeling better after my meal having made it's way through the digestive system.

So now I sit here wide awake anticipating my stress level to begin increasing in anticipation of my next big fundraising event on the 19th...a six hour Zumbathon. T-shirts to be ordered today and aside from filling goodie bags with the shirts I really think that that's all I need to stress about. Hopefully. So here I go to begin the day by having to clean the kitchen once again and at some point this morning throw together the crockpot BBQ chicken that I'm going to try for lunch. So farewell for now...

A moment of candor...or is it just frustration?

I'm not one to shy away from putting my life on the internet. Facebook has been my saving grace through many a crisis in the last 2-3 years as it gives me a place to vent when things get rough. I've lost contact with some people because they think I'm too open about things, but that's how I am so deal with it or un-friend me!

Anyway just last week the old man got laid off from his job. In 2008, he retired from the Air Force after 26 years and went into a major depression which brought out his inner demons as far as addiction is concerned. He started drinking and wasn't motivated to do anything within months of retiring and not finding a job. I found him the job that he was just laid off from and hoped that would bring him out of his funk, but unfortunately it didn't. He ended up drinking excessively and actually ended up hospitalized for a BAC of 0.43 where he was at the point of basically being non-responsive. Rehab followed and things seem to be okay other than a relapse early in 2010.

Anyway, with the layoff he's not had any gumption to do anything. I mean, I might be slow getting around to things, but I do eventually get things done. All he does when we don't go to the gym or run is sit and watch TV and/or read. Granted it's only been a week, but he's talked about going back to school to use his GI Bill and looking for a job...neither of which he's really followed up on. Last week while I was running around with my head cut off trying to get ready for the 5K fundraiser he never asked if I needed any help. Today I had to ask him to take the trash out even though the took the bag out of the trash and set it next to the kitchen trash can. I need to light a fire under his ass even if it's just to get him to apply for unemployment or start back to work on the living room (which is still sitting in demo mode after 2½ years...I blame depression on both our parts and alcoholism on his part).

Ugh. I'm stable so far, but this is one of the worst times of year for my moods...hoping that this phase for him is just temporary because I don't need any additional stress right now. Really, I should get my meds back on board...

I hate feeling stressed...

It's just past 5:30am right now. I'm not awake because I have a scheduled training run...I'm awake because I'm stressing out over the 5K fundraiser that I am organizing for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society/Team in Training. Been awake for over an hour. The event is tomorrow and I only have something like 13 people signed up on line. I'm hoping to get about 50+ at the event with most being same day registration. Another 5K a few weeks ago had about 66 show up, so I'm crossing my fingers that I'll get at least that many.

I have so much like I feel I need to do to prepare. I'm feeling a little behind the eight ball. Let's see...

1. Get bottled water for post run.
2. Get snacks for post run.
3. Print extra copies of waivers.
4. Print copies of registration forms.
5. Pick up timing clocks from the base.
6. Find some folding tables for registration/refreshments/packets/hydration station. 
7. Set up finishing time grids/display.
8. Pick up t-shirts...hopefully this afternoon.
9. Figure out a way to do set up of the chute at the end of the race. Idea: Get cheap empty paint cans, fill with dirt or rock, get tall stakes and set them in the filled cans...use construction tape to make chute. Since I only need to worry about runners finishing times, I only need one chute that will be set up to force runners through an exit route to fill out cards.
10. Make stringers for pull tabs.
11. Ensure that finishing time recording is adequate. Using pull tabs, cards, computer & video.
12. Gather things together for registration:

• Pens
• Sharpies
• Safety pins
• Put together participant bags
• Colored dots 

I'm pretty sure that there are other things I'm probably forgetting right now, but hopefully I'll remember them during the day. Crossing my fingers that all comes out well! I think it's time to get ready and make a run to Wally World for the water and snackage...