Spring Mix(ed) Bipolar Episode

You'd think that after an exhilarating weekend racing a Spartan race with the Weeple Army that I'd be on a pretty good high or at least a good mood the week following, however that has not been the case. During that past week I've held in a lot of anger issues, been ill with a recurring cold/allergies/or whatever the hell it is, plus my mood/motivation has dropped to near nothing and I'm doing some unhealthy obsessing.

I'm not sure what's going on...is it just a mood swing or my annual spring depression setting in? All I know is that I'm just not happy with basically everything. It would be easy enough to blame everything on the bipolar but that's just not true, sure it's got a big influence in things but life is just biting the big one overall. Last week when I was feeling this way, but to a lesser extent, I was able to go get some exercise and get the endorphins to kick in beating back the poor mood/depression. This time around it's just hard to get out of bed, let alone go out for a run or even a walk. I have a 10K this afternoon and truthfully, I just may play drop out, get the shirt and man some drinks/fruit for our run/walk club. I just don't have the energy to deal with anything right now.

To top it off the old man's dad and step-mom called yesterday let us know that they'd be here early in the week. They're nice people and at least they did let us know they were coming whereas the old man thinks that his brother got no warning at all. I'm just not in the mood for visitors. All I feel like doing is sitting on my ass or sleeping. I'm still taking my meds, 3 weeks in a row now, but I just don't give a damn about anything.

This is especially not good since I have the Oklahoma City Half Marathon in 2 weeks with my longest run being 8 miles last week. I need to bump up to 10 miles at least before next weekend, luckily I graded down from the full marathon. Then there's the old man whose training has consisted of walking on the treadmill 3-5 miles at a time. I told him that I'd run the half with him (thus the downgrade) since it's his first road race but I don't know if I can go that slow. I'm by no means fast or anything, but I would like to finish around 3 hours give or take, at his pace he'll be lucky to finish before they sweep the course. Yeah, that's one of the things I'm angry about...

At least I have one thing that I'm looking forward to this weekend, the MTV Movie Awards with the Pitch Perfect cast reunion. I actually cleared off space on the DVR to record their 3 minute opening performance. I don't remember when the last time I watched the MTV Movie Awards but between the cast reunion (and my continued obsession with Skylar Astin...I mean really, what the hell is that all about?? He's freakin' 11 days older than my own son! Dude does have a voice that could met the polar ice caps though...) and Rebel Wilson hosting the show should be a hoot.

Other obsessions have cropped up again and have me thinking about racing in specific states just for the hell of it. Really, I seem to be the most content when I'm away from town whether it be with my racing friends or alone. Between the obsessions and the depressed moods most psychiatrists would say that I'm having a mixed episode which in fact is likely. Hell, if I actually drank, which I rarely do now, I'd love to get totally wasted and just pass out. Not to worry though, I'm not suicidal or having any suicidal thinking...I'm just fed up with everything.

Sorry for this downer of a post...it's just where I am now and this blog is a place that I can put everything into words. I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist in just over a week and the plan was/is to switch me over to Abilify in place of my Welbutrin, but considering I'll be running OKC within a few days I won't be making the switch until a little later...well actually probably a couple of weeks later because I have Military Spartan Sprint in Colorado the following weekend. Oh the joys of medication management and running. Later.

Who Am I Now?

As I was going through my Twitter feed tonight, I found a tweet about this article by one of my favorite bloggers who also deals with bipolar disorder:

Finding Meaning if You Have Bipolar Disorder - Giving Back

In summary this particular post discusses how those diagnosed with bipolar disorder ends up for one reason or another related to the bipolar has to live a life different that what they had imagined. In this case, the individual no longer feels whole or useful. It's often the bipolar that is providing the negative self imagery rather than what the person sees him/herself as. The post also discusses small ways from volunteering, to doing charitable things online or even just simply signing a petition as a way to give back to the community.

I found that this article pretty much mirrored my life. For over 15 years after my diagnosis I continued to work as an RN in a variety of positions but primarily in outpatient nursing and the final six years I taught nursing at the community college and university level. Being able to continue working did give me a sense of purpose especially while I was teaching. In 2009 a severe depression hit and remained through 2011 during this time I had one short 3 month spurt of hypomania where I felt "normal" or like the me I had always thought I was. Due to the severity of the depression I was unable to complete my work tasks and so my teaching contract was not renewed and I also decided not to work in nursing anymore. I went on disability through Veterans Affairs and due to my rating I was told that since it was for a mental illness that I would not be able to work at all per VA rules (I haven't found anything to verify this). 

My self-image had already been broken when the depression set in and just took another big hit when I had to stop working. I had basically lost my identity. I was no longer a nurse nor an educator. I, myself, did not know who I was anymore. I would stay at home rarely venturing out in public because I felt like a failure and didn't want to run into any of my former students. I finally got tired of sitting around that I decided to start going to the local YMCA to try to loose weight. I eventually decided that I wanted to start running so I signed up with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training to learn how to run safely and complete a half marathon. There was a minimum fundraising requirement and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to raise the amount, but surprisingly I was able to. And thus started my running "career."  I have continued to run and while not raising funds most of the time I have done some fundraising for the American Cancer Society and Team Red, White and Blue. I run many of my military related races wearing the eagle shirt for Team RWB to bring awareness to the organization.    
   

Another that I have built up a more positive self image was to start volunteering at the Bountiful Baskets local food co-op since I had to be there to pick up my produce anyway. So every 2 weeks, at now at times every week I volunteer for 2-3 hours to set up the baskets of produce for those who have ordered them. I consider this fun even with lifting boxes and a lot of bending over to fill the baskets. I've made friends with some of the volunteers, enough so that we're able to joke around. I typically don't make friends easily.

Another way that I give back is to continue my guest lecture to the senior nursing class at the community college where I used to work. I am very open about my experiences with bipolar and the effect on my family in addition to providing the basic framework of the bipolar spectrum. I also use Twitter and Facebook to share information that I've gleaned from other sources as a small contribution to educate the general public.

So yes, I have found and identity again. It may not be the one I initially saw for my life, but at least I have a better self image now as compared to in my deepest depression.

When the Depression Arrives

Well, it happened today...within minutes I was happy/content and then the depression arrived. I became irritable, went into a rage towards the husband (he deserved it) and have spent the afternoon after taking a nap crying. Not a full out boo hoo crying, but a steady stream of tears for no apparent reason. I warned my friends on Facebook and Twitter to expect me to possibly drop off the social networks at some point. I went off line last year for 6 months before slowly coming back on board.

The depression hits and my already low self-esteem plummets and I feel useless and like a waste of a human being. This is my life with bipolar disorder. When I was first diagnosed I could go years without a severe depression...sure, there were minor ones which were easily controlled, but as I get older the symptoms worsen, the depressions more severe and I have to enjoy the hypomanias when they do come.

I'm going to try to increase my activty level more, get more sunlight, I'll be starting back on my anti-depessant tonight (was off due to hypomania which can be triggered or worsened by anti-depressants) and will be following up with my psychiatrist and therapist on Thursday. It's bad when even my "feel good" movie...a movie I've watched over 200 times...Pitch Perfect doesn't even cheer me up. I usually still laugh at that movie even after seeing it so many times.

So, if I don't blog much or if you don't see me in Facebook or Twitter, I may just be lurking or I may not be logging on at all. But just in case, I want to wish you all well...especially those new friends who have discussed their own bipolar struggles with me

Motivation...I got it back!!

Wednesday I found out that I had gotten a guaranteed entry into the Marine Corps Marathon (MCM) through Team Red, White & Blue and the Allied Forces Foundation. I can't tell you how happy I was to get this news. I didn't have to go through the stress of the MCM especially considering the IT problems they had during registration. You see, MCM had been on my race radar almost since I started running. Because I am a disabled vet, I love to participate in races with a military theme and you can't get much more military than the Marines! Sorry, Air Force...I still love you but...

Back in 2011 my motivator was to complete my first half marathon at TinkerBell Half Marathon. After that I was aiming to reach the highest level in the Half Fanatics, but became seriously ill with a bipolar flare up of my depressive symptoms in late spring 2012. In recent months since my bipolar disorder has been somewhat stable, I just haven't had the drive to run or train in any way. Things seemed to take a 180° turn after I got accepted into the program. All of a sudden I wanted to run again. I wanted to train. I wanted to get deeply into CrossFit. I want to fix the flat on my bike so I can start riding everywhere in town when I can instead of driving. I want to be ready for this race.

I have multiple races coming up from half marathons, obstacle/mud races, 5Ks and fun runs before this race even happens in October. I will most likely be going home to California in June to do either the Wipro San Francisco Marathon or Tracy's Fat Ass Marathon so I can see some running friends I have from Disney races and to mark California off my states for when I join the Marathon Maniacs. Doing the race in June would qualify me for the Maniacs after my full marathon in Alaska in August.

While I have the drive specifically for MCM training it's definitely going to step up my game for all the races coming before it. Heck, hopefully I'll even start the Spartan races and Tough Mudder with a great attitude of believing that I'll kick ass instead of being a nervous wreck. So I have the Marine Corps Marathon as my motivation...What is your motivation?

Running: Love or Mental Illness Recovery?

Today I'm going to talk a little about two things that hugely impact my life other than family. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder II back in 1997 I did all the reading that I could to learn about the disorder. Part of what I had learned was that exercise helps to lessen the effects of particularly the depression but could also help control the hypomania. Unfortunately, I was working full-time as a new RN, attending a bachelors degree in nursing completion program, went straight into graduate school full time for my masters degree, raising two kids who were 12 and 11 (older than I remembered them being now that I think about it), playing the taxi driving mom, attending all the school functions for the kids while the husband was spending a lot of time deployed to the desert.

There were times in the past 15+ years that I tried and even at times accomplished exercise goals mainly to lose weight that I had gained over the years of different psychotropic medications, many of which have weight gain as an adverse effect. For instance, the first time that I was on lithium I literally gained 40+ pounds in 2 months! Try to get that weight off when the medications makes it near impossible!

My biggest successes came in 2003 when I did the original PX90 program at home. I managed to lose about 20-30 pounds from the 160+ pounds that I was carrying. On a 5'3.5" frame that doesn't look too good., in fact the husband used to say I looked like the little round spaceman character on one of the old Saturday morning cartoons in that I was round with stubby little legs and arms sticking out. He wasn't trying to be mean, it was in fun but he was stating the truth. I had never been that heavy in my life. Even at 9 months pregnant I topped of at only 134 pounds!

From 1988 I was in nursing school for almost 10 years straight working on an associate in vocational nursing, then completing my second associate degree in registered nursing, directly into a Bachelor of Nursing completion program and finally a masters degree program. You can just imagine the weight I gained during that time studying all the time, not getting enough/any exercise...I finally reached a max weight of 172 pounds! Now, let me tell you, I was not a happy camper with the weight gain, but I also had no energy to do something about except for the off and exercise I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Actually, back in December 1991 through December 1992 I did spend the whole year in the gym working out a couple of hours a day in addition to working 12 hour shifts 5-6 days a week, raising the kids alone because the hubs was in Korea for a remote year long assignment and going to school full time. Studying and whatnot was done either at work or while the kids were at school after I got home from the gym. Needless to say, that was probably almost a year of hypomania and sleeping 2-3 hours during the day that got me through...I really don't know how I did it. I only remember a couple of minor depressions during that time but nothing major.

Anyway after years of no exercise, in 2011 I got tired of being sick, depressed and worn out. I knew my weight had a lot to do with it...not in the sense of a bad self-image, but just the stress of it all. I was just starting to come down from nearly 2 years straight of a major depression. The only stability I had between 2009 and 2011 was a period between August and December 2010 when another really nice hyomania occurred. I was so productive then! I felt like the old me...then I crashed again the following early spring. I eventually was let go of my teaching contract at the local university and applied for 100% VA disability benefits since my diagnosis was my 70% disability for the past 10 years or so since it originated/was misdiagnosed when I left the USAF in 1986.

That summer, in a fit of a mild hypomania, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired from the extra weight and the recent depression which I still was not totally over. In an effort to incorporate exercise into my mental health regimen and lose some weight, I joined the local Y. I started in some group exercise classes like boot camps, core classes, Hip Hop Hustle, Zumba and others. Zumba was my favorite and within 6 months I was a licensed instructor although I never actually taught. I lost about 20 pounds doing Zumba bringing me down into the 150-140 pound range, but I had a lot more to go with a goal weight of 125 pounds.

I also took up walking and eventually started doing run/walk intervals after joining the Leukemia & Lymphoma's Team in Training to run what what supposed to be a "bucket list" half marathon, the Inaugural TinkerBell Half Marathon (13.1 miles)  at Disneyland. Then it happened. I started having excruciating pain in my hips, primarily the left side which at time impeded my walking. I got that checked out and was told that I have a pelvic bone that has too much rotation and that it wouldn't fuse together until in my 50-60's. All the pivoting in Zumba had contributed to the issue causing my pelvis to lock down in un-natural positions. I spent nearly 10 weeks in physical therapy had to stop training for my race and cross training instead. I had fallen in love with ruuning...something strange considering that I avoided running at all costs for most of my life. Finally 2 weeks prior to my race I was released from PT and allowed to start training again. Thankfully the cross training kept my cardio up but I had to start almost from scratch to build up my mileage again...in two weeks. It wasn't easy but I finished my first half marathon in less than 3 hours which was my goal time.

Since then, I've sadly given up Zumba because my hips just can't handle all the pivoting and such. I've completed 23 official half marathons, 1 full marathon and several 5K or 10K fun runs/races. I can't imagine my life without running now. Even when I'm not training like I should be. I had another suicidal depressive episode from March 2012 through January 2013. After months of inactivity from the depression I began racing slowly (I'm not fast at all) and went to run a double (a half marathon on Saturday and Sunday of one weekend) in Nevada and Utah just because I needed a change even though I hadn't trained at all and the depression was causing some issues between the husband and I. I just needed some me time and that meant running. Those races were terrible but I was finally out and about some other runners and even saw a few running friends at the race in Nevada. Because I had performed so poorly, I took off the next month and a half and as the depression continued to resolve I ran another race in Kansas. Again it wasn't pretty but I finished. I've never failed to finish a race...ever...although I have DNS'd -Did Not Start- 8 or 9 races last year due to the severity of the depression.

  

This year, actually from mid-December 2012 until now I've been blessed with relative stability. I have felt better about my races although my times are still 20 minutes-1houf and 10 minutes off my previous half marathons. I just need to get out there and train (easier said than done most days). I even completed my first hiking marathon (26.2 miles) just a couple of weeks ago.

While running is not a "cure" for my bipolar disorder it definitely helps with the endorphins (the feel good chemical, a natural opioid formed by the body) to help lift/stabilize the moods. I still try to remember to take my medications which I'm not always successful at but if I find myself sitting on my rear for long periods of time...like this past winter I notice that my moods are much more inconsistent. Running and exercise definitely helps with mental illness; studies have proven that exercise in general can help those with mental illness feel better and recover faster from exacerbations. However, these actions in and of themselves cannot be considered a "cure."

For me, it's not only the mental health benefits of running/exercise but it's also a love of the sport and most of the people that I come across during my running adventures. This year I have 11 half marathons, 6 full marathons, at least 4 obstacle course races (Spartan Race, Tough Mudder as well as some smaller ones) and several small 5K and 10K races. Truthfully there's no telling where I'd be without my running. Possibly hospitalized again after another suicide attempt, dead or just turning into a female version of Jabba the Hutt just doing nothing.

So, yes I see running in both ways: a sport and as a form of mental health recovery.

If you have a mental health diagnosis what do you do to get those endorphins going? If you're simply a runner, why do you run?

Medication? Who me?

Lithium Capsules...truly a lifesaver for me.

Yeah, I'm still on my bipolar thought process roll. It doesn't usually last so long, but here we go again.

I am a terrible patient/former RN when it comes to my own medication compliance/adherence (adherence is the new "feel good" terminology since it doesn't make a accusation regarding the patient). I am one of those nurses who unfortunately lives by the "Do as I say, not as I do" motto. I've been on and off meds for my bipolar disorder since 1997. When I'm on the, most of the time I'm pretty stable or "normal" by some people's definition. Like I've said before I don't believe in "normal" anymore, I much more prefer "stable."

Anyway, there are times that I stop my meds on my own...and I mean abruptly stop them, something that should not be done with psychotropic meds...just because I'm feeling really good AKA in a hypomanic episode. I don't recommend stopping meds without talking to your psychiatrist, but if you do do so taper them down over a couple of weeks do not ever just suddenly stop them! Like I said I really recommend talking to your doc first...I'm a little dangerous because I have that extra knowledge that lay people don't typically have. During these episodes I really feel more like my old self than ever...except that I tend to overspend, have issues with lack of sleep or not sleeping at all, racing thoughts, etc. but I've never gone into a full blown manic episode that becomes possibly life threatening because there's a lot more risk taking involved. It's not uncommon for those with bipolar disorder to think that they feel good so they don't need their meds when the reverse is actually true. Mood stabilizers will help quell down the overly active/risk taking behaviors and in extreme cases an anti-psychotic may be needed in addition to the mood stabilizers to maintain the moods in check. Typically both these medications will be taken long term.

For depression of course antidepressants are prescribed. The problem is that antidepressants can actually trigger a  hypomania or mania. So it's not uncommon (or it shouldn't be) to only use antidepressants for short term...what I mean by that it 6-12 months. Please remember I was studying and two semesters shy (2 clinical courses and 2 theoretical courses from graduating as a prepared Pysch/Mental Health advance practice nurse or qualified to certify as a PMH-NP) of graduating so that's where a lot of my statements are built from...my educational background. After the prescribed use a trial off the antidepressant should be attempted and if all goes well the patient may be taken off the med...if it doesn't go well they stay on or maybe try a different one.

I digress, so on those occasions when I do stop my meds it can just be a few days simply because I forgot, or weeks & months (I've been off my meds for about a month and a half and just restarted taking them yesterday) simply because I feel "good" and I've even gone years off of them always crashing big time into a long lasting, severe and even suicidal depression. It's stupid. I was an RN for 22+ years, I taught psych/mental health nursing for 4 years and I've been diagnosed for 15+ years. You'd think I'd have my head all together and a grasp on this, but no.

So right now in Spring through the Summer this is when I can almost guarantee that I'll drop into a severe depression. I'm actually surprised that it hasn't happened considering how long I've been off my meds, but it's enough to scare me into starting them up again. To help with this I have a 7 day pill box to set up all my twice daily meds...OK, I have it somewhere but I can't find it but that's what I usually use to keep my meds straight. I've also downloaded an app called MyMedSchedule that has charts you can print out to track your meds and mobile apps for iPhone and Android that can be set up to send you email and SMS reminders to take your meds at whatever setting you determine. Once I got this set up correctly I started getting my reminders...now if only they could send reminders to Twitter/Facebook since I'm always on those and sometimes allow my phone and tablet to die and forget to recharge them.  However, the email can also be seen on your regular email account...as long as you check it regularly or have some sort of pop-up set up for the message when it comes in. Hopefully this will be something hat really helps with my med adherence.

Yes, this is in face my actual printable med schedule/checklist from MyMedSchedule

The printable medication schedule from MyMedSchedule

I've got one and a half days of medication on board and because I am familiar with the intricacies of these meds I know which ones that I can return to a full dose and those which I need to taper up to my normal does over several days. Depending on your meds never go straight back to the dose you were on unless you talk to you psychiatrist!! It can be dangerous to do so...and please don't decide that you're going to catch up on several days of medications all in one go. I know a lady who ended up and the mental health unit with me during my first psych hospitalization because she took  a week's plus of medications when she expected her husband to come back from a business trip!!

So to anyone out there who maybe having to deal with medication adherence issues whether it be psychotripic meds or regular medical medications take a look at MyMedSchedule. It may be of assistance. Good luck to us all!

UPDATE 3/25/13 at 11:55am;
I'm gonna try something a little different in addition to a hard copy checklist. If you look on the right hand sidebar you'll see a new page "Medication Accountability Checklist." this is the same info as on the checklist above but available online. Some people may wonder why I am so public about my meds, it's because I choose to do so. I'm not violating anyone else's HIPPA rights. I choose to try this and see how it goes. Let's see if I can remember to update it daily!

My Openness About Having Bipolar Disorder

I seem to be on a bipolar roll regarding my thinking process lately. Been getting on/off my soapbox in my status updates on Facebook, re-posting mental health tweets on Twitter...you know, that kind of thing. Anyway, I think some people wonder why I am so open about my illness so I'll take a short bit to discuss that.

If you read my "About Me" section on the sidebar it tells much of the story. I have attempted suicide multiple times since my diagnosis beginning in about 1997. Truthfully, I'm into the double digits now with my last attempt probably in the early 2000's but with plenty of suicidal thinking since then. If you notice, my side bar is full of two subject...suicide prevention and running. Unfortunately for me and the family, my diagnosis happened when the kids were young...about 8-9 years old. Each of them found me at least once after a suicide attempt so there's a lot of resentment from them on that. I was only actually hospitalized once for an overdose of a whole large bottle of a pain/sleep aid plus some other assorted meds. The rest of the time I was found quickly and had induced vomiting soon enough that very little entered my system. The husband has had to deal with the illness sometimes being "my rock" of foundation and other times having to deal with his own issues leaving me as the caregiver.

I've never been shy about discussing my diagnosis whether at work/public/teaching/online, especially when I'm in a relatively "stable" or hypomanic frame of mind. Heck, I even taught psych/mental health nursing for four years explaining to students that I did in fact have a mental illness and my goal was not only to teach them content but also to help them get over the stigma/fear of the mentally ill. To me it's just my small gift to help educate people regarding mental illness and the stigma associated with it. I hope that in my lifetime that the stigma will dissolve but I have my doubts since the media, although some more positive portrayals have occurred in the last decade, still points towards mental illness being the cause of a majority of violent offenses even when there is no concrete proof that the culprit has a mental illness. Sometimes even families of these people don't help because of the "Well, he/she's acted like they had mental problems because..." types of statements.

This is a recent status update that I posted on my Facebook account in response to this image:

"Too true! Get educated about mental illness...it's not all it's exploited to be in the media!! There are plenty of everyday persons who have had successful careers, famous artists/authors/actors and people we don't know about publicly that have been diagnosed with some kind of mental illness. 

The mentally ill are NOT people to be afraid of...we are simply people with an illness originating in our brain through chemical imbalance, bad circuitry in the electrical impulses of the brain, traumatic brain injury amongst other causes.

We are simply people with an illness just like any other physical ailment. I am NOT my disorder. I am NOT bipolar...I HAVE bipolar disorder.

For more info visit some of these links:

National Alliance on Mental Illness: http://nami.org/

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance: http://dbsa.org/

National Institute of Mental Health: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/

Stand Up for Mental Health: : http//su4mh.com

These are just a few of the places to go to learn about the realities of mental illness, the harm that stigma causes for those with mental illness and general information about different mental illnesses.

*Stepping off my soapbox...you know that this is a topic close to my heart!*"

So like I said! Get educated...help me and mental health organizations to educate the general public that the mentally ill are not to be feared.. We are just people with an illness, much like many other people who are out there in the world with some type of physical illness. That is all.

Mood Confusion

I'm not sure what's going on mood-wise for me right now. Typically with my bipolar disorder, I'd be heading into a pretty dark place this time of year, but I'm feeling pretty good right now. Maybe a little too good. It's odd for me to have a hypomanic phase without a preceding depressive phase, but I'm noticing less sleep (typically 3 hours or less for most nights of the last 2+ weeks), a little more of the obsessive thinking happening and just a bit more energy than usual. Oh, and my typical lack of medication regimen adherence that's pretty common when I do start feeling a bit hypomanic.

Right now because I am feeling this way I"m going to start up my meds again tomorrow (someone please hold me to it) slowly tapering up the meds that I know I can't just jump back on at full dose. Hopefully I'll have my blood levels back where they need to be within 2 weeks. I'm telling you...a little too much knowledge can be dangerous (in reference to my psych nursing background). I'm also going to start myself on a 2 week course of Xanax at bedtime to try to get back into a regular sleep cycle. This sleeping for 2-3 hours, then napping 2-3 hours during the day isn't cutting it. I really need to get back on a day/night sleeping schedule.

I just hope that I'm not setting myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy in that because I'm "missing" my depressive state that I trigger in some way that depression to come on sooner than later. Oh geez, did that make sense? It's late, I'm tired and I just took 1.5mg of Xanax to go to sleep to. Ugh.  Anyway, this is just not what I expected to be happening around this time...typically late Feb to mid-March I'll at least have a mild depression, but none so far. Again...I hope I'm not jinxing myself.

I dunno. Just a bit confused. Gonna give the meds about 20 minutes to kick in then it's bedtime and hopefully I won't wake up until close to 11am or noon. So, wish me luck in getting back into the medication and "normal" (whatever you feel is normal...I don't know what that is anymore) or at the least a "stable" frame of mind. G'nite!

The Elusiveness of Self-Esteem

Self -esteem or self-worth by whichever moniker you prefer is defined by the Online Merriam Webster Dictionary as:

 "A confidence and satisfaction in oneself." 

In the user defined Wikipedia, self-esteem is described as:

"Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgement of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self."

Now, I think most people have a fairly decent self-regard but for some of us, for whatever reason, we don't have that positive self-image although some and even many around us may see us as being some kind of outstanding person in whatever aspect of or even our whole lives. Today a friend posted this status on one of the social networks:

"I need to see myself the way other people see me."  

I saw that and the first thing I thought was that I could just relate so much to that statement. The young lady who posted that statement has gone through a remarkable journey and I would love to know that she feels really good about what she has accomplished so far and what she will continue to accomplish in the future, but like I said...I can totally relate to how she is likely feeling.

Prior to my bipolar diagnosis, you could say that I have a very strong sense of self-worth/self-esteem. In my late teens and early 20's I felt, for the most, part that I could tackle the world and get out of it what I wanted. Then my symptomology for the bipolar started started to creep into the fold. My ability to handle stressful situations declined dramatically, I began questioning myself in many different aspects of my life. My diagnosis came at a huge juncture in my life. I was just getting ready to finish my master's degree in nursing when an overwhelming depression, suicidality and a lack of interest in life hit me. I struggled through and managed to finish my degree but had to drop my optional thesis which I had done a lot of work on already and because of the new diagnosis and of losing trust in my own decision making I never applied for my family nurse practitioner license although I had passed the national certification testing. I think it was at this point that my once strong self-esteem/worth went to pot. This was the first time that I had felt like a true and complete failure.

Since that time I have found it difficult to be proud of whatever accomplishment that others say I have done. I never feel that I have done enough to earn any recognition and truthfully, recognition stresses me out so badly that I usually end up in a deep, if not suicidal, depression. Case in point, I was working in the clinic of the local base and my supervisor put me in for civilian of the quarter which I won, then won the squadron civilian of the year, followed by base civilian of the year and then went to 8th Air Force competition. At the beginning of this process I had literally begged my supervisor not to put my name in the hat, but he did anyway. All I could do is smile through all the "'Atta girls" and pats on the back while all I could think was that I didn't deserve any of it and that they were making a huge mistake. This triggered a massive, suicidal depression and within months I had resigned from that position and thought about leaving nursing for good.

You would think that someone who got these commendations would be proud, but instead it just caused me such anxiety because I didn't believe all the good things that they said about me were true. To this day I don't want to be commended for anything I do. Just let me do what I'm expected to do and leave it there. Bringing attention to me just makes for bigger problems for me.

My self-worth/self-loathing (okay, maybe loathing is a strong word, but it's the only one I can think of right now) took an especially big hit in 2009 when I again hit a massive, suicidal depression after beginning work on a PhD in nursing as well as being just two semesters shy of graduating with a second master's degree in nursing...this time as a psychiatric nurse practitioner. I had started my PhD that summer in the midst of a grand hypomanic phase when I was barely sleeping and had loads of energy to spare, but by the end of summer that depression hit and I could barely function on a day to day basis let alone as a student in two concurrent programs. That was the point that I gave up my academic dreams and my self-esteem dropped to all time lows. Again all I saw myself as was a complete failure.

Now I try to avoid anything that will draw massive attention to me. Sure I'll jump in to organize things, but I'm happiest lurking in the background where no one will hopefully notice me. If nobody notices me then I don't have to worry about meeting other people's expectations...let alone my own. I've really learned to hide my lack of self-esteem/worth. What can I say...like many people with mood disorders...I've learned to wear a mask a lot of the time so people don't really see how much I'm hurting.

I'm hopeful that one day I'll be able to see in me what others seem to see in me. But until that time, I just continue to struggle with my idea of my lack of worth and will hopefully see the light at the end of the tunnel one day and come to see myself in a more positive vein.

Hopefully this works!

• How's your self-esteem/self-worth?
• What do you do to boost you self-esteem/self-worth that helps you?

My Stand Against the Stigma of Mental Illness

A few weeks ago, I had officially added the Stand Up for Mental Health Campaign's header to my Twitter account and a link on my blog. I had already had the header up on Twitter for a couple of weeks prior to notifying HealthyPlace, the originator of the campaign, that I had done so. In that notification to HealthyPlace I included a brief outline of why I had added the header and of my background. I was asked if I would share my story either in a blog post that they could link to or in a story that theycould host on their page. I chose the former after reading this article about self-stigmatization which is something I haven't really done too much of...at least I think. I put myself out there for varying reasons...I've posted about my struggles in old blogs that I used to have or just venting on Facebook or Twitter, but it's just my nature and part of the career path that I chose...

I was diagnosed in 1997, about 2 months before I was supposed to graduate from my Masters degree program in nursing with a specialization as a Family Nurse Practitioner. Like many of us with bipolar disorder I had been an outstanding student throughout my whole life. Then all of a sudden, in late September I became increasingly depressed. Near suicidal at that point. I was doing preceptored clinicals, working on a thesis, working full time at an outpatient clinic and being a military wife/mom to two elementary aged kids. Luckily I had already been in treatment for unipolar depression for a year or two and was
seeing a therapist who also noted my mood swings and recommended an evaluation for bipolar.

Within a couple of weeks the official diagnosis of Bipolar 2 came in. My first action was to
read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. In this book, I found so much of me with a
lesser degree of symptoms as compared to Dr. Jamison. A lightbulb went off in my head and
that great "A-ha!" moment happened. Over the following years I would be able to retrace
my symptoms to my mid-teen years and so many questions about my previous behavior were
clarified. It was a year of finding out who I really was and the positive and negative
implications that my disorder had provided me with in my life.

I did manage to graduate with my master's degree that December with a lot of work and tears
and the dropping of my thesis course...thankfully it was optional. I went on to work as an
RN, never getting my license for my FNP because of the newness of the diagnosis and my own
fear of making wrong decisions if I was in a bad way. However, I did excel as an RN in different positions
but there always seemed to be a time that the stress just got to be too much and I ended up
resigning and taking several months off and even considering leaving nursing all together.

In 2004, after a 4 month or so hiatus from nursing, I began subbing at a clinical site for
the local nursing program. Teaching was something that I had wanted to do since I was in
licensed vocational nursing school so many years ago. I had found my niche. I came onto
the faculty full time the following Fall and the following year I volunteered to take over
the Psych/Mental Health component of the program for the upperclass students when the
previous instructor left.

This specific content was truly my niche. Teaching psych. I loved it. My interest in psych/mental health
had exploded with my diagnosis...my focus was primarily on bipolar and other mood disorders,
but I loved it all...the whole confusing lot of the DSM-IV-TR. While my goal was to teach
the students about the different diagnosis involved in mental health and their treatments
my personal goal was to help them learn to get over the stigma that the media and past
generations had built up about mental illness. I didn't want my students to be me when I was on my
psych/mental health clinical rotation in RN school...fearful and trying to avoid interacting whenever
possible.  I remember...my first question to the third semester classes was always, "Look around you...can you tell who might have a mental  illness?" Inevitably, they would all look around and appear a little blank as if to ask, "Why is she asking us this?" My next response would be to raise my hand and say, "I do!"

You see, I've never been shy about sharing my diagnosis. I've told employers almost from
the start even though I'm not required to by law. I've told co-workers not only for my own
good and patient safety but also so that they can be attuned to what's happening with me and call me out when things get a little stange (and they often did). Maybe it's only because I was in nursing but I'd
like to think that I'd be that open if I were working in a different field as well.

For me, personally, I felt that having the students know that I was battling what could be
a serious mental illness (I've attempted suicide at least 12 times in the past), that they
could see that it doesn't mean a mentally ill person could not be successful. I wanted them to
learn that they didn't need to fear mental illness. Granted, we're not all fully functional
but just the realization that a mentally ill person could look like me and be teaching a
class of 30-35 students about such a weighty subject could be an eye opener for some.

The students learned observations skills, communication skills and hopefully empathy from
not only classroom exercises and study, but also from observing me through  my good days
and my bad days. They learned to recognize when I had gone off my meds or when I was
becoming depressed or a little hypomanic. They were learning about mental illness in a
non-threatening way...OK, if you can just imagine nursing school being non-threatening.
But they were also learning to accept that I was a human being with a mental illness, no
different than any other human with a physical disorder. I just happen to have  an illness
that originates in my brain versus having diabetes which begins in the pancreas. They,
hopefully learned to understand that a mentally ill person is a human being...period...not
a monster or crazed individual to fear. Having this experience with me, I hope, prepared
them for our one week clinical at the state mental hospital where they had to
encounter more acute states of illness with a more open mind rather than fear; as well as for future encounters that they may have with the mentally ill.

Teaching gave me that opportunity to share not only my illness but to help, hopefully, break
the stigma of mental illness among the majority of my students. Granted, not everyone will
have made the connection, but I feel safe in saying that the vast majority did have their
eyes opened to the reality of mental illness while working with me. By the time I chose to finally
leave teaching in 2011 I was working on a second master's degree in Psych/Mental Health Nursing
and was within two semesters of graduating as a PMH NP as well as concurrently working
on a PhD in Nursing. Even though I have had to voluntarily remove myself from nursing due to a severe exacerbation of my symptoms between  2009 and 2011 I continue to do a guest lecture at the same nursing school each semester to try to help demystify mental illness and the stigma attached. That is the least I can do for now. At some point I'd love to start a support group through DBSA or NAMI but until I feel that I can be stable for a long period, or find a backup co-ordinator, that dream will have to stay
on the back burner for now. But no matter what, I'll continue to do what I can to help
break the stigma of mental illness and will hopefully one day be satisfied that I have done
everything I could to do so.

2012 Goals...met, sorta

I was just looking over the goals I had set for 2012 and figured I'd just do a quick assessment of how I did. You can see what my goals were over at this page.

Running Goals
Well, it's pretty easy to see that this (and really all my goals) were changing over the year. I did the majority of the races listed on the page but in reality I managed to finish 20 official half marathons (13.1 miles) and 3 unofficial virtual half marathons.

Completed Half Marathons (Official):

TinkerBell HM - Disneyland Resort, Anaheim, CA
Pecos Valley Stampede HM - Roswell, NM
Xpress HM - Wichita Falls, TX
Arizona Distance Classic HM - Oro Grande Valley, AZ
Bloodgusher HM - Midland, TX
Arbuckle to Ardmore HM - Ardmore, OK
Wayland Wellness HM - Wichita Falls, TX
Southern Indiana Classic HM - Evansville, IN
GO! St. Louis HM - St. Louis, MO
New Mexico Centennial/TX-NM Club Challenge HM - Hobbs/Lovington, NM
Oklahoma City Memorial HM - Oklahoma City, OK
Wisconsin HM - Kenosha, WI
1st Midwest Bank Southwest HM - Palos Heights, IL
Hope & Healing Place HM - Amarillo, TX
Kirtland AFB Armed Forces Day HM - Kirtland AFB, Albuquerque, NM
Wounded Warriors HM - Irving, TX
Legacy Midnight Run HM - Farmington, UT
ET Full Moon Midnight HM - Las Vegas/Rachel, NV
Prairie Fire HM - Wichita, KS
Wine & Dine HM - Walt Disney World, Lake Buena Vista, FL

Completed Half Marathons (Unofficial):

New Year's Day Virtual Race Against Cancer HM (Leukemia & Lymphoma Society - Team in Training Fundraiser)
For the Love of the Kids Virtual HM
Bling Ho's 1st SemiAnnual Charity Race Virtual HM (Relay for Life Fundraiser)

I did manage to join the Half Fanatics in March and have maxed out at 7 moons (Venus) out of 10. I was shooting for Sun (10 moons - 30 HMs in 30 different states in 365 days) but because of the severe depression from May through really now still...that goal has gone out the window. I'm fine with it though...going from a non-runner to a multiple race half marathoner crazy enough at one point to run 3 doubles (one race on subsequent Saturdays and Sundays) in one month is not a bad thing! :D

I postponed my foray into the full marathon spectrum (26.2 miles) until 2013 which ended up being a good thing since I did emotionally crash this year. I actually got to the point early in the year where 8-10 mile runs were the norm and something I looked forward to, but since I'm still recovering from the depressed mood I'm going to have to start from near scratch to get back up there. My times got worse over the year but had gotten down at one point to a fairly steady 11 minute mile so there's still room for improvement.

2012 Weight Loss Goals

Well, this was kind of a bust. I started out well and managed to get down to about 138 pounds but once the depression hit the weight came back. Right now I'm sitting at about 152 pounds so I'm going to have to get on the ball in 2013 to get where I want to be.

2013 Fitness Goals

Again, I started off well but with the exacerbation of the bipolar so went the exercise routine. I've been dealing with injuries of the lower extremities for the last 3-4 months and just overall fatigue (no surprise with the depression). So this too will need to be worked on in 2013. I never did do the duathlon or century ride primarily due to the fact that I didn't have the right type of equipment (cheap mountain bike vs at least and entry level road bike) or the right training. I'll work on kicking out at least one sprint duathlon in 2013 for sure though!

My main focus will be working on core strength, hip area strength to help with the pelvic malrotation issues/balance and ankle strength. My plan is to run, walk, cycle, elliptical (which I hate!) and swim although the whole swim thing is a bit hairy since although I know the mechanics of swimming I have a huge fear  of deep water, anything more than 5 feet, due to a near drowning as a five year old. So, swimming lessons or at least tutelage will be in order this year.

So, while I guess I did well on some aspects I didn't do so well on others. I'll be working on these some more in 2013 and hopefully it won't be as rough a year as this year has been. So, for me, it onward and upward...trying to be more optimistic and looking forward to becoming the really active individual I was prior to the mental crash. My 2013 goals will follow in another post shortly...

Reflecting Back on 2012... (Part 2)

So, the first quarter or so of 2012 wasn't all that bad. Made some good new friends, ran my little heart out and was basically feeling good until April/May-ish. I've had this post open for the last 2 hours or so putting off my writing just because of the fact that the remainder of the year was pretty crappy. I mean, really, do I want to rehash those memories. Not really, but I will because what will I have to compare it with next year?? So here goes...

July 2012
I missed out on four races during this month...that was a loss of 4 states in my quest to 30 races/30 states/365 days and leveling out at Sun in Half Fanatics. Much of this month is a blur...not because it was fast, but rather because it was just crap overall. The depression maxed out, my thinking was slowed and in my own mind was the worst it had been since my ultra major depression of 2009-2011 (yes, almost a full 2 years). I think I ran a total of 3 miles the whole month, other than that my bed was my best friend. I only left the house if I needed to and I did some stupid things as well resulting in weeks of downplayed agony. Like I've said before, I'm a master at hiding my true feelings. I retreated from the world both real and online and I really gave up on myself. My self worth was at a near monumental low and my time on Earth limited in my eyes. OK...that's enough of that.

August 2012
My depression had taken a huge toll already and placed a strain on the husband's and my relationship. After weeks of poor moods I had a double (2 half marathons in one weekend) scheduled in Utah and Nevada. I was fed up with not running. I was fed up with the husband. I was fed up with me. I needed to get away. I knew it was a stupid idea to take off on my own but I needed a change. So, I drove to Utah for my first race and since I had barely run in the previous months it was no surprise that while I initially felt good at the beginning of the run I ended up getting some massive calf cramping going on by mile 9 at which point I just gave up and pretty much walked the rest of the race. I turned around the next morning and drove to Las Vegas for my second race of the weekend that night. By the time race time came around I was so wiped out...something I hadn't ever experienced with doing a double many times in the previous months...that I didn't even want to run the race at all. I did it anyway feeling totally exhausted, in a shit mood and just wanting to finish no matter how slow it would be. By mile 6 again I had given up just because I was so tired and walked the remainder of the race. The time away from the husband improved the relationship after a sit down upon my arrival back home, but I was pretty much wiped out for the next 3 weeks. Again, not a happy month to remember. You'd think I'd know better, but apparently not because I'm going to be doing something similar in about 3 weeks from now.

September 2012
So, what happened in September. Not much. The depression was still lingering although I'd rarely and briefly, literally less than 10-15 minutes at a time would get back on some of the social networks gaining a minor semblance of at least an online presence. I still was pretty much housebound other than going to doctor's and counseling appointments. I did manage to get about 5-6 runs in mostly only in the 2-3 mile range. I turned 48 on the 11th. It was the second year in a row that I didn't spend the day bawling because of the psychological effects of the 9/11/01 terrorist attacks. No, I didn't know anyone affected (that I know of) but I had a sense of  "perceived" survivors guilt. In my mind on that day, when I was sick at home watching the horrendous events unfold live, I should have mobilized to go volunteer in NYC. I was a civilian working in a military health facility I should go to the commander and tell her that I wanted to go to NYC to volunteer. But I didn't, our base didn't send anyone and yet I convinced myself that I was a bad person for not going on my own initiative. It didn't matter that I still had a couple of teenagers at home who "needed" me since their dad was busy at work and school. I simply was a bad person for not going. I cried most of the day on the anniversary of the attacks, my birthday, until 2011 when for the first time I made it through the day without crying. I didn't celebrate my birthday for all those years. The one really good thing I started doing was volunteering once or twice a month at the Bountiful Baskets Food Co-op distribution which forced me to get out among people and begin to socialize face to face again. Yet another crappy month overall with those two rays of sunshine.

October 2012
I'm swinging in and out of depression and hypomania most of the month. The periods of hypomania are great, I have energy, I'm communicating online regularly, I'm leaving the house to go grocery shopping. I ran the Prairie Fire Half Marathon in Wichita, Kansas mid-month after running just over a half dozen times in the month and a half prior. I felt good at the beginning of the run but again that 9th mile came and I started cramping plus having lateral foot pain in my right foot. I finished the race (after a really rough start...read about it here) only to end up in the ER that night and on crutches for the next month. So, once again I'd go another month without any training, this time because I couldn't (or wasn't supposed to) bear weight on the foot. Mood-wise I had improved somewhat but it's when someone like me, with my history, is coming out of depression that life can become even more dangerous.

November 2012
My moods had pretty much balanced out during the month. I was in a lower level of depression and staying in a more "stable" frame of mind. I was back online, I was talking with real people face to face (versus just online). I had another race to do, my first race at Walt Disney World...the Wine & Dine Half Marathon. My running friend, Melanie, was going to do it with me but ended up having knee surgery and had to back out. So I went alone and decided to skip the parks because I was still on crutches. To make a long story short I ditched the crutches the day before the race and finished the race without any pain. Tired as all get out, but no pain other than some normal cramping. If you haven't already, you can read about the race here. After the race I took a week off and then tried to run resulting in these damned anterior shin splints that hit me less than a quarter of a mile into each of the attempted runs. I could barely hobble home. I haven't run since. I did finally see the podiatrist regarding the foot pain from the Kansas race and it was determined that it was a nerve issue possibly caused by my shoes. So now I have to move up to a wide shoe and ensure that there is no stitching/seams in the area of the nerve irritation. Hopefully that'll keep any future issues from happening.
Thanksgiving was quiet with just the hubs and myself and our K9s. Other than that it was the most "normal" month I had experience in many months. High point of the month?? The night of the race when I bumped into some of my running friends from TinkerBell and receiving my Coast to Coast medal for 2012.

TinkerBell HM medal (Disneyland), Wine & Dine medal (WDW)
Coast to Coast medal (for running 1 HM at each park in a calendar year)

December 2012
I won't bore you with the details since I just posted an update a few days ago...you can read it here if you want. Christmas was great, the hubs and I chose not to exchange gifts this year as we just have more stuff than we have room. Had a good time with the son and his fiance and met the inlaws. And overall, have been feeling pretty good for a change. Had a quiet 29th wedding anniversary as well. The only down point...I decided not to run a double at the beginning of the month because of the major shin splint issues I was having...yet another loss of 2 states on my list. I did manage to reach the seventh level (Venus) in Half Fanatics with 13 half marathons within 79 days. Not my overall goal, but with the roller coaster the year has been I'll take it. Who would have ever thought that I'd complete 20 half marathons (not including virtual races) in less than a year? Not me!! :D

My overall impression of 2012?? It sucked the last half and was pretty great for most of the first half. Yeah, the pessimist in me still pops out a lot, but I am hopeful that 2013 will at least be a little better. I mean, really, it couldn't be much worse...unless I end up dead. (Sorry, dark/sick humor on my part.)

So here's a toast of some Moscato to an improved 2013 and a lot of running in my future. Honest, I'm trying to be as optimistic as I can...it's just against my nature...

Cheers to a, hopefully, awesome 2013!!

Reflecting back on 2012... (Part 1)

I'm sitting here looking back on a year that started out with so much optimism only to come crashing down mid-year with a severe depression and subsequent effects on what had been a promising year of running and health. So, let's take a month by month look at this bumpy year that I hope to leave in the rear view mirror in hopes of a much improved 2013.

January 2012
After a slightly rough start with being injured and in physical therapy since Oct 2011 and having to limit my newly found love of running things began looking up when I was released from PT and restarted training for my very first half marathon, the inaugural TinkerBell HM at Disneyland. I met my fundraising goal for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training and would be heading back out west to see if I could meet the challenge. I did and I made some good running friends while at it. Probably the most close relationship I've developed from this race are my friends Melanie & Dianne. It was Melanie's and my first half marathon ever. We were previous non-lovers of running and both RNs in the psych/mental health nursing world. We started the race as virtual strangers other than meeting once and communicating via Facebook but finished together as friends. We shared many similarities in our lives and I've come to think of her as a very good friend. I can't wait to see her again at TinkerBell in 2013 (we're rooming together). :D

Love ya, Melanie!! :D

Dianne had already been running for a while and while we didn't communicate much face to face at the race other than at our Facebook group meetup where she brought some Ghiradelli chocolates for everyone and a brief chat after the race we have been very communicative online. I think the connection has to do with the fact that we're both California girls and Asian...we understand things that others sometimes don't! LOL! I'll be seeing Dianne again at Tink 2013 and then we're rooming together at the Princess Half Marathon at Walt Disney World in February where she will attain Legacy runner status (running every year of the first 5 years of the race). I don't have any pics of Dianne aside from our group's meetup pic below. :(

TinkerBell HM Facebook Group - Inaugural Meetup
That's Dianne sitting down near the middle in the white long sleeve shirt.

February 2012

Nothing major really happened in February that I can recall other than running my second half marathon for which I only had to travel an hour and a half. I ran this one with a newly formed running group here in town, the Clovis Area Run/Walk Club, which was started on 1/3/12. Of course I was the slowest one to complete the half marathon in the group but I made a very good local friend, Teresa, who had been running for about 4 years after beating cancer. We communicate regularly on Facebook now, see each other occassionally in town and I introduced her to the Bountiful Baskets food co-op program here in town because I know whe is a very healthy eater (something I am still working on). I consider her my local running partner in crime...I don't think she knows that yet. We got together and participated in a couple more races in 2012 (Wayland Wellness Run Half Marathon and the New Mexico Centennial-TX/NM Team Challenge (she did the full and still finished before I finished the half!). We'll be participating in the Bataan Memorial Death March and hopefully The Color Run 5K together (but apart...she's way faster than me) in 2013.

Big ((hugs))  to you Teresa!

March 2012

The biggest thing that happened in March was finishing my third half marathon with what is still my personal record to date (PR) of 2:37:xx. This enabled me to join the Half Fanatics as member #1982...the same year as my high school graduation (not by accident). This led to the start of a quest to finish 30 half marathons in 30 different states in 365 days. I was well on my way but by May things would be different and I won't be reaching my goal. But for a previous non-runner to join a group of exceptional people who run for different reasons and at varying speeds is something I never in my life would have thought would have happened. 

April 2012

This was the month that I started noticing the depression coming on. It's not like it was unexpected because I typically do go into a depressive state during the spring, but it was just my hope that I could skip a year without one...it was just not to be. I kept racing finishing the OKC Memorial Half Marathon and meeting running legend Bill Rodgers. The month was not extremely bad, but the downhill slide was gaining momentum.

Me with Bill Rodgers, Olympian, marathoner, author.

Probably the most meaningful medal so far.

May 2012

This was the month that the sh!t hit the fan. I've always been pretty good at hiding just how bad I was feeling when depressed but I had always managed to maintain a relatively active online presence. Not this time. I basically went offline for the first time since the late 90's. I disappeared from all my social networks, I rarely left the house other than to run and I spent many a day not getting dressed, showered or eating. Not a happy time. I did manage to finish 4 half marathons and registered for an all women's trail running clinic.

I traveled all the way to Illinois and Wisconsin to race. I met up with another good running friend and TNT alum, Kat, who is originally from Wisconsin and the chance to see her again and knock out another state was my momentum to run in the Wisconsin Half Marathon. Not only did I meet up with her again, but I also met Dave Mari...running celeb extraodaire who gets to so many races and takes so many pictures that it's totally crazy. You can always identify him because he always has the Paul Frank monkey on his shirt! I also spent a couple of nights with my cousin, Maria, who lives in Illinois and I hadn't seen since they moved to Japan after being stationed in New Mexico (where we met for the first time, while stationed at the same base). I have no idea of how we managed not to get any pictures while I was there!?!

Kat with the Captain!

Dave and I.

Unfortunately, this trip also resulted in the ending of the relationship with my daughter who also suffers from bipolar disorder. We have cut off communication with each other under mutual agreement. The last bridge has been burned and I'm done.

Probably the big personal thing that happened was that I reached my fundraising goal for Relay for Life and shaved my head...again! I had done it in 2006 where it was a big deal because my nursing students who helped me with fundraising got to shave my hair off. This year it was much more low key because I was sick (mentally and physically) and I didn't have hoards of people actually wanting to shave my head. It because a non-big deal as I showed up at the team's camp and they proceeded to shave everything off.

June 2012

By June I was pretty much deep into this depressive episode with the high points only being concerned with running. This was also the month that my thinking got too stupid and had some really bad repercussions. I was at my lowest at this point, skipping my 30 year high school class reunion which I had been looking forward to for over a year. Friends who I had not seen since high school were going to be there and instead I spent the week in bed with such a low self-worth that I couldn't be scraped off the floor with a sharp edged, metal scraper. At the beginning of the month before a major emotional crash I managed to complete the Wounded Warrior Half Marathon in Irving, TX with my cousin Ausa who I had not seen for years during which she completed her very first 10K. I also attended the trail running clinic with Teresa at which I discovered something I already knew...I was not born to be a trail runner!

My cousin Ausa after finishing her very first 10K race.

To be continued...