On Running, Pain and Mental Health

I was just asked by one of my Twitter followers why I keep putting my body through the pain that I encounter from running. I guess that was the impetus I needed to get over a little writers block, even though I should be doing race recaps instead. Some writing is better than no writing, I guess! lol!

I replied that I had two simple reasons for continuing to run...

1) Even though I'm slow, I do enjoy running.

2) The activity helps to control (not stop) the massive depressions that I encounter with my bipolar disorder. I'd rather be in pain from running than suicidal again.

OK, so maybe Lance isn't the role model he once was...
but his words still ring true.

But these really aren't the only reasons that I continue to put my body and mind, because there is a definite mind game going on at times, through the rigors of running. I can go into a Tumblr like image heavy posting here...and I still may...since there are so many quotes out there that can apply as to why I push on.

You see, because I didn't enjoy running as a kid or young adult...other than my days in USAF basic training when we ran in formation...I guess I'm making up for lost time. I used to avoid running by almost any means necessary but now if I go too long without running I really miss it and tend to go stir crazy plus a becoming a bit irritable if not impossible to live with due to a drop in my moods. Running literally gives me the opportunity to keep/control my sanity.

At least for the most part...

That being said, I'm almost 49 years old. I don't know how long I'll be able to run. It may be a few months or many decades, but I want to keep going until I can't run anymore for whatever reason. The challenge is to push  myself as far as I can without going over the proverbial edge. I can tell you that the chances of me becoming an ultra runner (greater than 26.2 miles) is highly unlikely, but I will (technically I have) accomplish(ed) the marathon distance. I may try one or two ultras but that's probably going to be it. I do see some duathlons/triathlons in my future for sure though.

I also run to remember those who can't run anymore. Those fellow veterans who have given of themselves, those individuals who have died in horrific terrorist attacks, those whose lives were taken much too early, those whose ability to run was taken away from them. The two races that I plan to do annually for as long as possible, the Oklahoma City Marathon and the Bataan Memorial Death March, are just part of my way to remember those who have gone before me.

  

Another reason is that I enjoy (usually) a challenge. Having been a non-runner and now being a runner lets me get over hurdles either athletically or mentally that in the past I probably would have simply said, "I can't..." Now I'm willing to try and I'm finding that I enjoy some of these challenges. For instance, I probably never would have tried obstacle course racing. Yes, I totally suck at it but it's fun! I remembered enjoying the obstacle course in basic training but then that was also 30 years before I began running. Thankfully a friend, nearly 30 year my junior, got me wound up to do a Spartan race and even though I'm as slow as some of the mud I've encountered at these races I really do enjoy them along with the cuts, scrapes and bruises that I always get. I'm famously pessimistic, but running has at least cut through some of that pessimism giving me at least an "OK, I'll try it at least once" attitude.

 

Probably one of the biggest reasons I keep running is for the travel. Since I went on full VA disability back in 2011 the options for travel had dwindled due to a significant lack of income, but with running (and some advance planning) I can still travel, see a few sights and basically get out of the house and out of town before getting depressed. We live in a small town and there's not much to do so it's important for my sanity to get away as much as possible. Everything is almost always done on a strict budget and I do a lot of driving since it's cheaper than air travel in most cases. I love to go to new places and even if the trips may be really short, just to be able to say I've gone somewhere I had never been to before is always a bonus. In the two years since I've been running I've gone back home to California several times, Florida twice, driven to and run in 14 states some of which I had never been to before. I've also made some great friends who I never would have met if I hadn't started running.

 

I'm sure there are more reasons that I keep running through the aches and pains but these are the ones that come to mind readily. While I can be...well, in truth I am...just a stubborn old broad I'm not totally stupid. I do rest when I need to, I go see the medical professionals if I can't figure out what's wrong myself (yes, that self diagnosing nurse part of me still exists) and I do try allow for healing when I can although we nurses can be our own worst enemies when doing what we know we should do to take care of ourselves. Am I right? lol!

I guess that really the easiest and most comprehensive answer to the original question would be "Because I can." I'll stop running when I have to, but for now I'll keep on chugging along because I can.

Fear: Obstacle Course Races...Me? Really?

I blogged back in February about finishing the Spartan Sprint in Arizona. How hard it was, how much I hurt for most of the next week, yet guess what I'm doing? Next weekend I have the Super Spartan in Nevada, a 7-8 mile obstacle course with 20+ obstacles. Then at the beginning of May I have to Military Spartan Sprint in Colorado...about 3.5 miles with about 15 obstacles, but the  majority of these obstacles are designed by U.S. Special Forces!! I can only imagine what they have in mind. At the end of June I have the Spartan Beast, a race at 12-13 miles and 25+ obstacles. I'm volunteering for 2 days at the Colorado race so that I can get a free entry to both the Super and Beast.

But that's not all! I just registered for the Tough Mudder in Tahoe at the end of September. Now this one I know involves electrocution, an ice bath of huge magnitude, jumping off a 15-20 foot high (perfectly good) platform into what I hope is a deep enough man made pool of muddy water. Joy. Now, did I happen to mention that I have a little bit of a fear of heights and a strong underlying phobia of deep water and drowning? I don't know where the height thing came from, but when I was about 5 years old I almost drowned, or at least perceived it as such, during a private swim lesson. I continued to take swimming lessons throughout my childhood and actually did learn to swim but I still don't feel extremely comfortable in water where I can't touch the bottom. I've been taking lessons from a friend for the past few weeks and have gotten most of my form down but my flutter kicks are extremely weak. I can't even get the full length of the pool using a kickboard. It's so frustrating!

Anyway, I digress. I had never considered doing obstacle course races (OCRs). My son had mentioned that one of his good college friends was trying to get a team together for Arizona but was having a difficult time getting people to join. At some point she just stopped trying. So I got in touch with her, a young, local friend of mine and my son and we formed a small team for the race "Team Endorphin." I did the race and finished in what I thought was a terrible time, but I found out just a week or two ago that there were girls much younger than me at the same race that took over four hours to finish the course. That made me feel a bit better considering that I finished in under 3 hours.                                        

     

  

 My friend mentioned the Trifecta medal, for doing one race of each of the first three levels like I have planned, within one calendar year, so being the bling addict that I am I decided to go for the Trifecta and thus all the Spartan races. The Military Spartan Sprint has it's own separate medal with a barbed wire look to it that I had to have it so I'm doing that as well. The things I do for the bling!! lol!

Am I afraid of these races...more than you will ever know. Why do I insist on doing them? Well, my life has been fairly safe except for the multiple times that I have tried to take it myself. I feel like I've lost the adventurer that was me in my youth. Maybe it was getting married so young (had just turned 19) or having kids so early (when I was barely 21) or maybe it was because I was constantly in school working on multiple degrees and then working full time. I don't know what happened, but I don't have the spontaneity that used to define me. So now, just 6 months from my 49th birthday I'm doing things that I "shoulda, coulda" done when I was in my 20's and early 30's except for the fact that these types of races didn't exist as far as I know. I can't say that I'll be the oldest ones out there, but I'll definitely feel that way when the fit 20 and 30 year olds go flying by me finishing in times that I could only dream of. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and approaching life with the following mantra:

Race Recap: TinkerBell HM 2013, Part 2: Race Day & Beyond

So...where did I leave off...oh yes, we're moving into race day.
Second part of a two part post. See Part 1 here.

Race Day (Sunday, January 20, 2013)

Minnie themed race outfit.

The day started much as any race day would...except with four women in a room! lol! Woke up early, showered, dressed and made sure everything I needed was in my gear check bag. We made our way over to the corrals I think a little after 4:30am. Settled everything that we needed to like checking our bags, last minute nature breaks, etc. then headed to our assigned corrals. We made our way into the corrals and looked for others that we knew. Then came the waiting. I wasn't quite as excited as last year, but still the energy was there. I ended up moving a little further away from the group since I decided that I would just go my own pace rather than stay with a pacer. I think it's just because I've done so many of my races alone that it's just instinct for me now to do my own thing. As the start drew near I made sure my music was on and that I was as warmed up as I was ever going to get. Finally our corral was moved to the starting line and then...GO!!

I tried to start out slow, but the energy caught up with me and I was going at a faster pace than I should have. The first 5K or so wasn't bad as we ran through the parks first off compared to finishing in the parks last year. I was feeling pretty good but early at some point the "plague" of runners hit me...not bad, but bad enough to cause me several stops in the ladies room before we even left the parks. Thankfully, things seemed to settle down a bit although I did notice that my footing wasn't very sure and I stumbled several times luckily being able to catch myself on a fence or wall without going down to the ground. I just ignored it and kept going doing my run/walk/run, standing totally upright and smiling (or trying to) for the photographers on the course.

Proofs I used to demonstrate to doc the nearly
7-10° lean that eventually developed.
 First pic early in the race and totally upright;
2nd pic towards finish trying to remind myself to stand upright (FAIL)
and finally coming across the finish at full lean.

As I neared the 10K mark, I noticed that my upper body was leaning to the left. Not a muscular based leaning over...it was just I could not stand up straight to save my life! By the time I actually hit the 10K mark I couldn't stand upright at all without really working on doing so. I also noticed a slight headache that came and went plus more stumbling. The panic started to set in...was I having a TIA (more commonly referred to as a mini-stroke)?? I texted to the group I was with at the start to see where they were because at this point I had become afraid to complete the race by myself. As luck would have it, they weren't too far behind me so I waited until they reached me. By that time I was near, if not in, tears from the sheer anxiety...but still I refused to stop. One of my Tink friends, Kat, stopped her race to walk the remainder of the race with me to make sure nothing happened and so that I'd have a safety net. For the next approximately 6.5 miles she encouraged me, listened to my panic and fears, whining and tears! It was slow going and she made sure I was aware of any changes in the road so that I wouldn't stumble/trip over them.

As we passed medical tents and photographers I did my best to stand up straight and used my left hand to remind me to try to get upright. By the last few miles of the race I had pretty much given up on doing that...it just wasn't working. Once we crossed the finish and got our medals Kat ushered me into the medical tent where they started a neurological evaluation and eventually transported me to a nearby emergency room. Thanks to Kat she was able to get my gear bag and get it to my roomies who had long since finished the race.

My hardest earned medal so far,
harder even than Spartan Sprint!
Not even a picture of my own medal...no finisher pic this year.

As a nurse you'd think I could take this medical situation in stride. I was able to give a summary of what had happened and then I totally lost it. How stupid I felt.  Twenty two plus years as a nurse...I shouldn't be panicking like this! They finally got me to the ER by ambulance where I stayed for nearly 6 hours. They did a CT scan without IV contrast, a slew of labs, repeated neuro evaluations with the continued mild, intermittent headache, slightly blurred vision during these headaches and an ever so slight continuing leaning of my upper body even when laying back on the gurney.

After nearly 6 hours the labs and CT had all come back clean. The ER doc wanted to be admitted for 1-2 days for observation, but being the obstinant nurse/person that I am I signed out AMA (against medical advice) to arrange a flight home the next day instead of flying home on Tuesday. Partly because I didn't want to be hospitalized away from home, secondly because the cost of hospitalization even with TriCare benefits would have wiped us out!! No joke!!

By the time I got back to the room around 5pm or 6pm I ordered a pizza (hadn't eaten since 3:30am) and packed everything up. I also got on the phone and was able to arrange an early flight home the next morning. I think I actually only ate 2 pieces of the pizza once it arrived and I was probably asleep by 9pm.

Race Day +1

I awoke really early at around 4am to get ready to head out. It's still kind of a blur. I think I showered but I know I went to turn my key in and make sure all the costs were taken care of only to find that the desk clerk I had called the night before to let her know that we would be leaving a day early had actually checked us out the night before. Really not what I needed that early in the morning especially the way I was emotionally. After finally getting that straightened out, I waited for the Disneyland Resort Express to pick me up and take me to LAX.

I wasn't having any real issues other than being extremely fatigued with the occasional short, mild headache and accompanying blurred vision. Because of this I didn't trust myself walking around the terminal so I had arranged for a wheelchair at each stop. I felt a little stupid doing that but I just felt that it would be better to be safe than sorry.

The trip home was uneventful, but I did worry about the 1 1/2+ hour drive home. Luckily everything went smoothly and after I arrived home I pretty much walked up to my husband and began crying uncontrollably. I was so tired the next couple of days that I didn't finally make copies of my hospital paperwork to drop off at the VA clinic until Thursday or Friday after I got home. Luckily by then some of the proofs for the race pics were already online and I was able to include some of those to demonstrate the physical appearance of symptoms during the race.

The Aftermath

It's taken weeks to get a doctor's appointment which I finally had last Friday. I was cleared to begin running/exercising again (something that I had pretty much put a stop to myself with the exception of Spartan Sprint). I also have an MRI of the brain and lumbar spine scheduled tomorrow morning. So I'm only partially out of the woods right now. In talking with the doc there's a possibility of a labrynthitis (improper functioning of the balance mechanism in the ear)/Meinier's Disease probably the most viable diagnosis to be ruled out, an actual TIA, a mass or a multitude of other things. I probably won't know the final result of the MRI until Friday at which time I'll already be in Florida for the Princess Half Marathon at Walt Disney World. So as far as I'm concerned I'm finishing the Princess HM...it may be walking most if not all of it, but I will finish. And this time around I'm hitting as many of the parks as I can as well!!

So, until I find out the results of the MRIs and any limitations that they may place on me I consider myself somewhat ready to go and do what I need to do for my second Coast to Coast medal and 4th race of the year! :D  I will update the blog once I know the final results of the MRIs! :)

What I liked about this race:
The fact that I actually finished for one, but even more grateful for running friends like Kat who expressed concern, caring and encouragement during and after the race (there were several of you out there on the course asking if I was OK...I don't remember who you were but I'm thankful for your support) and in the days that have followed. I have a wonderful group of online running friends!! :D

What I did not like about this race:
The fact that this medical issue even happened. There was no warning...it just happened. I hate the fact that I slowed Kat down, even though I know she didn't mind. I tried to get her to leave me behind, but she wouldn't! Big, huge hugs Kat!! I hate the fact that it took nearly 4 hours to finish!! OMG!! But other than that...it was a great time before all the medical stuff started happening. I wouldn't change a thing.

Would I do this race again?
Hello?? Can you say 5 year legacy runner?!?! LOL!! I would have stopped if I didn't plan to do it again!! ;) So, as far as I'm concerned I'm in for 2014, 2015 and 2016!!

Official Time: 3:53:16
Gender: 10370/10553
Age Group: 960/985
Overall: 11729/11937

So much for being middle of the pack last year!! LOL!!